I married my best friend! My husband married his best friend! We did everything together, even shopping. We had a wonderful relationship. We understood each other. Although, I have always been a very strong woman, my husband has always been the intellectual type; very smart, we made a great team.
Relationships are hard enough without the influences of what someone else thinks your marriage should be. Sure, advice is a wonderful thing, when properly dispensed especially with experience to back it up. However, even that can become tainted depending upon what type situation one is dealing with.
Take the Bible, for instance, everyone seems to base marriage on what the Bible says about the man and the woman. "Therefore shall a man leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife." Wives, obey your husbands," or does it say, "wives submit to your husbands?" Either way, we all seem to think these are the proper steps to a long and happy marital relationship. How many times have people told me that my husband is the head-is my head. How many times have I heard that my role is to submit and obey?
Millions upon millions of times I have heard support your husband, he comes first. It seems that so many people have defined the key roles of a husband and wife based on what is written in the Bible. We even see most weddings taking place in a church, the ceremony performed by a minister; even when the bride and groom are not affiliated with a church a all. Even when the bride and/or groom do not believe or live according to anything in the Bible, almost everybody will go straight to the Bible to define their roles as husband and wife.
The man is supposed to be the head. The head of the household, the head of the family, the head of his wife. That is his role. The wife is supposed to submit-that is her role. Give me 5 stinking breaks one after another!!
If there is anyone who defines their marriage this way and try and live it successfully, I take my hat off to you. I have seen more unhappy wives who just put up with this type role because they are afraid to disagree. I have seen more men try and force their wives to be, not submissive, but subservient, and ruin what could have been a beautiful relationship. Some where down the line, other people who had been married in this traditional manner decided that it was their duty to try and force other couples to live this way.
We have men telling other newly wed men that they need to teach their wives how to obey, control them and make them submit to you. We have women telling newly wed women that their role is to take care of the man and submit to whatever he says or does.
One day I asked my husband, "why is it that before we got married, none of this came up?" Before I married my best friend, all we talked about was our love and being together and our plan for our lives together and what we would do once we lived together as husband and wife. Even when we went through pre-marital counceling, we were in such agreement and so in love. Now all of a sudden, everything is about roles.
I must say, there are some older men who have schooled him well about me. I don't understand how it is they seem to know me better than he does. But we no longer talk about our love and our lives together, we only talk aobut his role as the head and my role as the submissive one. His friends have wives that say how high when they say leap. These women have to ask for permission to breathe. Our relationship has never been that way, until other people began to interfere. They felt it their responsibility to teach us what our roles are.
Who decided that just because the man is labeled as the head that he should just automatically get his way? Who decided that just because the woman submits that she should not have a brain in her head? That her husband should do all the thinking for her. Who decided that just because the role of the man is to be the head, he should handle all the business, whether he is capable or not? Who decided that when a woman handles the business of the household per her husband's request, that she is not being submissive. Just because you see her out front does not mean she is not submitting. What gives us the right to define these roles the way we think they should be?
We have a foundation for a marital relationship, but we got stuck on the foundation. Just like everything else. We have kept marriage in the dark ages. We have a tendency to think that just because we can't get any more out of it than we already have, no one can. That's because you are stuck. You have defined yourself into a jail from which you cannot escape. By your own words and thoughts, your own definitions, your own stubbornness; now, you wish everyone to share the same cell in which you are kept prisoner. Your own ego and pride has put you there because you refuse to build on the foundation you already have. A foundation is no good unless you build on it. Key roles are not all there are to relationships. Commitments would dictate that you live for me and I live for you. Vows would symbolize that I committed to make you happy and whole. Many times this means shutting out the interference. Just because your 18th century method of marriage is all you know does not mean it is for everybody!
Men cannot see a carbon copy of himself every time he comes into contact with another husband. Women cannot see a carbon copy of herself every time she comes into contact with another wife. You do not set the standard.
Personally, I am convinced that we still have much to learn about relationships. Until we get past the idea that everybody wants it to go their way, we are doomed to see more break-ups and divorces. Until we decide that we need to sit with that book called the Bible and figure out what some of these things really mean, we are doomed to repeat our same mistakes over and over again. I will not live by your convictions, I must live according to my own convictions. Oh boy, I'm happy!! I must be doing something wrong! Thats how we think, and then we set out to destroy what ever we think is happy.
I wish that others would just stop trying to define my role for me. I wish others would stop trying to define what a marital relationship is, at least until they absolutely find out for themselves what it is.
You tell me that its okay for my husband to hang out with you all the time, even when he neglects his own home, my role is to just submit. You tell me that its okay if my husband is not intimate with me, just submit to that. You tell me that I am the strong one and I should carry him, always, but I must also submit. You tell me that my husband should be out front and receive all the credit whether he did the work or not, I should be proud to just submit.
for more information on marriage tips visit www.resellrightstores.com/blog
Monday, July 6, 2009
The Ultimate Keys to Successful Long-Term Relationships By Indrani Bhattacherjee
Among all these relationships, the relationship between the husband and the wife is probably the most important one as it gives foundation to the concept of society. This relationship comes into existence with tying the nuptial knot between the wife and the husband, which allows them to share their life later on. It is the responsibility of both husband and wife to take their relationship seriously and to carry out this responsibility, it is very important to have a better understanding between them.
A person needs to follow certain rules and regulations as an inseparable part of the society. The society wishes every man to live like respectable part of it. This is because man is the foundation of society it is the basic requirement of a human being as he lives his life here right from his birth until his demise to up hold the image. Many relationships happen to develop in the lifetime of a human being. All these relationships are necessary as all of them have their own importance and significance. It is always necessary for every human being to respect all these relationships.
These days, marriage analysis services are available everywhere. This type of analysis is very helpful for the young couples to develop a better understanding towards their responsibilities. These services are also helpful for those young men and women who wish to enter the conjugal life later in their life.
Marriage counseling helped to reduce the occurrence of divorce. Couples who have gone through marital counseling generally have ability for tackling troubles they may face together. Marriage counseling enhances your consciousness of possible matters that could impact your relationship. It also proposes you to know whether or not you are really ready for marriage.
Entire topics of discussion before marriage should be of values and beliefs, development of conflict resolution skills of each other including sex and intimacy, communication skills, marriage expectations, family ambitions, responsibility relationships, child education, and family finances.
'1000 Questions for couples' has been a very successful program on the internet as it has solved problems to numerous couples through marriage counseling. This site is very interactive in format as it has many useful and witty questions for the couples that are based upon real life problems. These questions for the married couples are very effective to solve all types of problems that spoil the joy of married life. As these problems are common to every household, therefore if you are also facing problems in your life also and you seriously wish to overcome them
A person needs to follow certain rules and regulations as an inseparable part of the society. The society wishes every man to live like respectable part of it. This is because man is the foundation of society it is the basic requirement of a human being as he lives his life here right from his birth until his demise to up hold the image. Many relationships happen to develop in the lifetime of a human being. All these relationships are necessary as all of them have their own importance and significance. It is always necessary for every human being to respect all these relationships.
These days, marriage analysis services are available everywhere. This type of analysis is very helpful for the young couples to develop a better understanding towards their responsibilities. These services are also helpful for those young men and women who wish to enter the conjugal life later in their life.
Marriage counseling helped to reduce the occurrence of divorce. Couples who have gone through marital counseling generally have ability for tackling troubles they may face together. Marriage counseling enhances your consciousness of possible matters that could impact your relationship. It also proposes you to know whether or not you are really ready for marriage.
Entire topics of discussion before marriage should be of values and beliefs, development of conflict resolution skills of each other including sex and intimacy, communication skills, marriage expectations, family ambitions, responsibility relationships, child education, and family finances.
'1000 Questions for couples' has been a very successful program on the internet as it has solved problems to numerous couples through marriage counseling. This site is very interactive in format as it has many useful and witty questions for the couples that are based upon real life problems. These questions for the married couples are very effective to solve all types of problems that spoil the joy of married life. As these problems are common to every household, therefore if you are also facing problems in your life also and you seriously wish to overcome them
Broken Marriage Help - Tips to Help Save Your Relationship
If you feel that the relationship you share with your spouse is becoming strained, you've likely been looking for broken marriage help. Unfortunately, even if we have the best intentions when we wed, things don't always go the way we plan. You may find that the dynamic between you and your spouse has shifted dramatically and you're left wondering whether the marriage can even be saved. If you love your partner and you want to find a way to salvage the relationship and make it even stronger than it's ever been, you can do just that. With the right guidance you can actually have a more fulfilling and loving connection than you did the day you wed.
When you are searching for broken marriage help it's important to first consider the state of communication between you and your spouse. Do you two still talk about what you are feeling or have your conversations been delegated to general talk about household duties and raising your children? If you two don't focus on each other sometimes your marriage is definitely going to suffer. Make time to talk to your partner and ensure they understand that you want them to share all of their feelings with you. Tell them that you'll do everything you can to stay open and objective. If they anticipate you reacting negatively to them, they will be less likely to share.
Also, you must give your partner room if they ask for it. One very important piece of broken marriage help is to always respect what your spouse asks of you. You may feel that you're losing them forever if they tell you they need to separate for a time or they decide to sleep in another room. This can actually be the thing that makes them realize what they have in you. Sometimes time apart helps a person understand what they risk losing so if your partner wants some time alone, give it to them. It just may mean you'll end up with an even stronger marriage.
Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was. For more insight into the troubles many marriages face and steps you can take to save your relationship
When you are searching for broken marriage help it's important to first consider the state of communication between you and your spouse. Do you two still talk about what you are feeling or have your conversations been delegated to general talk about household duties and raising your children? If you two don't focus on each other sometimes your marriage is definitely going to suffer. Make time to talk to your partner and ensure they understand that you want them to share all of their feelings with you. Tell them that you'll do everything you can to stay open and objective. If they anticipate you reacting negatively to them, they will be less likely to share.
Also, you must give your partner room if they ask for it. One very important piece of broken marriage help is to always respect what your spouse asks of you. You may feel that you're losing them forever if they tell you they need to separate for a time or they decide to sleep in another room. This can actually be the thing that makes them realize what they have in you. Sometimes time apart helps a person understand what they risk losing so if your partner wants some time alone, give it to them. It just may mean you'll end up with an even stronger marriage.
Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was. For more insight into the troubles many marriages face and steps you can take to save your relationship
Marriage Advice: Eight Steps to Marital Harmony by Nacy Wasson
The formula for marital harmony and success is not a mysterious secret. It’s actually very straightforward.
The “behind the scenes” part is the constant work that’s required to keep the channels of love and communication clear from obstruction. Diligent spouses consistently spend time and energy addressing issues as they come up so that anger and hurt feelings don’t accumulate.
Spouses who want satisfying marriages also look for ways to keep their love strong, such as remembering to show affection and appreciation frequently. They know that the more they feel connected and bonded, the more motivated they will be to resolve problems and hang in there when things are difficult.
The following eight steps will guide you in looking at what you can do to increase your chances for creating a happy, harmonious marriage:
1. Work on yourself and your own issues that you brought with you into the marriage.
Many responses that you have to your spouse’s actions are triggered by past events going back to your childhood. If one of your emotional wounds is feeling disrespected, then when your partner inadvertently does something that triggers those feelings, you’ll experience an intense reaction. Individual counseling can help you to be more self-aware of what’s behind your intense reactions and what you can do so that you don’t over-react to issues in your marriage.
2. Avoid blaming your partner for problems in the marriage.
Blame only causes the other person to become defensive and angry, and it decreases the probability that the two of you can find a win-win solution to your problems. When you focus on blaming your spouse for what’s happening in the marriage, you are planting seeds of resentment that can hurt the relationship. A marriage is composed of two people, and each contributes to the quality of the relationship and shares responsibility for it.
3. Be empathetic and put yourself in your partner’s place when issues come up.
Really try to understand where your partner is coming from when you disagree or when your partner does something that you can’t make sense of. Ask your spouse to talk about his or her feelings. Listen respectfully and ask your spouse to clarify points that you don’t understand. Develop a curiosity for learning more about your spouse’s feelings and take special care to create an emotionally safe environment for the discussions with your spouse.
4. Look for ways to make your partner’s life easier and to show your love.
Many of the irritants and stressors in modern day life are the little things---the extra time it takes to pick up the cleaning on the way home from work or to put the clean dishes in the dishwasher away. When you see some errand or task that you can do to save your partner time, offer to do it.
Look for opportunities to give your spouse a few minutes to relax or have downtime. Watch for things you can do to pamper your partner when you can. It’s often the little things that can make a big difference in marital happiness and satisfaction.
5. Express appreciation often and say form the habit of saying “thank you.”
As months and years go by, many spouses take each other for granted and neglect to express appreciation or say “thank you” to each other. Numerous spouses complain that their partners only focus on what they do wrong and never compliment them.
It’s sad to think that the one person who means the most to you might have to wonder whether or not you appreciate them. Let your spouse know how much he or she means to you on a frequent basis. Give compliments and praise freely, and express thanks for all that your partner does to enrich your life and marriage.
6. Apologize quickly and sincerely, taking responsibility for your part in whatever happens in the marriage.
The truth is that sometimes it’s hard to say “I’m sorry.” That’s when it’s time to remember the question, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?”
Accept that things don’t always make sense in a relationship and that confusion and misunderstandings can happen easily. It’s a mark of maturity when you can say, “I’m so sorry for my part in what has happened between us.”
7. Have interests, hobbies and activities in your life that you enjoy so you’re not thrown off center so easily if you have a tiff or quarrel with your spouse.
It’s important to have interests and activities of your own that are satisfying to you that can help to keep you balanced and anchored if other areas of your life are upsetting. That way, you can more easily regain a sense of perspective and be able to withstand the on-going stress.
For example, if you and your spouse are encountering some rocks along the relationship path, you could go on a long bike ride, go fishing with a friend, visit a museum, or read an interesting book. Those activities and interests can add pleasure to your life to help balance out the temporary problems in your marriage. You’re always ahead of the game when you know some ways to lift your spirits.
8. Look for fun activities and bonding experiences to share with your mate.
Be on the lookout for activities that could be fun for you and your spouse to do together. Search the local newspaper for plays, concerts, new movies, museum exhibits, neighborhood fairs and festivals, and new restaurants that are advertised. Laughter and having fun is bonding and can help to create those “Kodak moments” that are so delightful.
Also look for activities that represent causes you and your spouse believe in, such as spending a Saturday helping a local charity with a garage sale or volunteering together at a local soup kitchen. These experiences can serve to remind you of what you have in common with your spouse and of how good it feels to be working in unison with a shared purpose.
For more imformatiom marriage tips visit www.resellrightstores/blog
The “behind the scenes” part is the constant work that’s required to keep the channels of love and communication clear from obstruction. Diligent spouses consistently spend time and energy addressing issues as they come up so that anger and hurt feelings don’t accumulate.
Spouses who want satisfying marriages also look for ways to keep their love strong, such as remembering to show affection and appreciation frequently. They know that the more they feel connected and bonded, the more motivated they will be to resolve problems and hang in there when things are difficult.
The following eight steps will guide you in looking at what you can do to increase your chances for creating a happy, harmonious marriage:
1. Work on yourself and your own issues that you brought with you into the marriage.
Many responses that you have to your spouse’s actions are triggered by past events going back to your childhood. If one of your emotional wounds is feeling disrespected, then when your partner inadvertently does something that triggers those feelings, you’ll experience an intense reaction. Individual counseling can help you to be more self-aware of what’s behind your intense reactions and what you can do so that you don’t over-react to issues in your marriage.
2. Avoid blaming your partner for problems in the marriage.
Blame only causes the other person to become defensive and angry, and it decreases the probability that the two of you can find a win-win solution to your problems. When you focus on blaming your spouse for what’s happening in the marriage, you are planting seeds of resentment that can hurt the relationship. A marriage is composed of two people, and each contributes to the quality of the relationship and shares responsibility for it.
3. Be empathetic and put yourself in your partner’s place when issues come up.
Really try to understand where your partner is coming from when you disagree or when your partner does something that you can’t make sense of. Ask your spouse to talk about his or her feelings. Listen respectfully and ask your spouse to clarify points that you don’t understand. Develop a curiosity for learning more about your spouse’s feelings and take special care to create an emotionally safe environment for the discussions with your spouse.
4. Look for ways to make your partner’s life easier and to show your love.
Many of the irritants and stressors in modern day life are the little things---the extra time it takes to pick up the cleaning on the way home from work or to put the clean dishes in the dishwasher away. When you see some errand or task that you can do to save your partner time, offer to do it.
Look for opportunities to give your spouse a few minutes to relax or have downtime. Watch for things you can do to pamper your partner when you can. It’s often the little things that can make a big difference in marital happiness and satisfaction.
5. Express appreciation often and say form the habit of saying “thank you.”
As months and years go by, many spouses take each other for granted and neglect to express appreciation or say “thank you” to each other. Numerous spouses complain that their partners only focus on what they do wrong and never compliment them.
It’s sad to think that the one person who means the most to you might have to wonder whether or not you appreciate them. Let your spouse know how much he or she means to you on a frequent basis. Give compliments and praise freely, and express thanks for all that your partner does to enrich your life and marriage.
6. Apologize quickly and sincerely, taking responsibility for your part in whatever happens in the marriage.
The truth is that sometimes it’s hard to say “I’m sorry.” That’s when it’s time to remember the question, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?”
Accept that things don’t always make sense in a relationship and that confusion and misunderstandings can happen easily. It’s a mark of maturity when you can say, “I’m so sorry for my part in what has happened between us.”
7. Have interests, hobbies and activities in your life that you enjoy so you’re not thrown off center so easily if you have a tiff or quarrel with your spouse.
It’s important to have interests and activities of your own that are satisfying to you that can help to keep you balanced and anchored if other areas of your life are upsetting. That way, you can more easily regain a sense of perspective and be able to withstand the on-going stress.
For example, if you and your spouse are encountering some rocks along the relationship path, you could go on a long bike ride, go fishing with a friend, visit a museum, or read an interesting book. Those activities and interests can add pleasure to your life to help balance out the temporary problems in your marriage. You’re always ahead of the game when you know some ways to lift your spirits.
8. Look for fun activities and bonding experiences to share with your mate.
Be on the lookout for activities that could be fun for you and your spouse to do together. Search the local newspaper for plays, concerts, new movies, museum exhibits, neighborhood fairs and festivals, and new restaurants that are advertised. Laughter and having fun is bonding and can help to create those “Kodak moments” that are so delightful.
Also look for activities that represent causes you and your spouse believe in, such as spending a Saturday helping a local charity with a garage sale or volunteering together at a local soup kitchen. These experiences can serve to remind you of what you have in common with your spouse and of how good it feels to be working in unison with a shared purpose.
For more imformatiom marriage tips visit www.resellrightstores/blog
Marriage Problems After Kids - Tips For a Rock Solid Foundation
Novelist and screenwriter Nora Ephron once wrote, "When you have a baby, you set off an explosion in your marriage, and when the dust settles, your marriage is different from what it was."
Unfortunately, it seems having kids can bring on marriage trouble but if you are aware of the areas that are the most affected you can easily balance these two important areas of your life and having kids can be a positive accompaniment to your marriage. These two areas can support each other instead of working against each other.
As parents do, we are engrossed in taking care of our childrens' needs and security. Finding time to feed, bathe, and play with them between work schedules is challenging enough. Hanging out as a couple is like a dream from the old days, when getting together was like signing your name.
There is more to it than time management. Marriage trouble can be escalated with routine squabbles about everything from how to discipline the kids to your own expectations -- and disappointments. Many couples spend nil time together, even when the kids are in bed, a couple will go on to do their own thing and never meet up after wards. Through it all, the nagging question remains: How does a couple with kids protect their marriage -- the relationship that created these beautiful children to begin with -- and still manage to be good parents? What can they do as a couple to protect their marriage and create a firmer foundation?
These tips are highly effective toward marriage trouble after kids. They will help you and your spouse create a firmer foundation and a happier married life and at the same time demonstrate to your kids what a strong couple you are, affirming to them that your family will always be together. An added benefit to this is that your children will also learn over a period of time how to be good partners themselves.
Learn to Compromise
It's a very common problem. We give plenty of attention to our children but not enough to each other. Over time, this transfer of focus can start to hurt even the most solid relationships.
Make no mistake that a strong relationship with your partner is one of the best things a couple can do for their kids and their childhood. Harboring a solid, loving relationship sets your children up for better marriages themselves when they grow up. They will have had a good example to follow and will want to have the same as they saw their parents having.
* Set a plan in place that enables you and your spouse to have free time together and spend that time together. If you are both too tired then be too tired together. If you just feel like going to bed then go to bed together. Once you get into the motion of doing something together your feeling of tired will bend, as you have something to look forward to and spending time with your spouse.
Strengthen the Foundation
How can you keep a focus on your marriage when most of your time and energy is devoted to your kids?
* Keep the relationship with your partner at the top of the list, above your children. This doesn't mean to forget about the needs of your children. You can do the little things that let each other know and the kids know how much you value your relationship with your spouse.
Keep the Romance Alive!
* Shift your center of attention sometimes.
It is important for your children to learn, from a young age, that mom and dad can't just drop everything when they want their attention. Don't allow them to interrupt your adult conversations.
This takes time and training just like everything involving kids but it is well worth it when the training takes hold. When your child gets older he can participate more in the conversations but until then it is valuable for your relationship that your kids learn to wait their turn to talk.
Warm Welcomes
You hug your kids everyday, usually more then once. Even the dog gets a cuddle or two. What about your spouse? Does he/she get greeted with enthusiasm or just a simple "hello" in the midst of your busy schedule?
* Once in a while, kiss and hug your spouse when they get home, as if one of you is going away and you aren't going to see each other for a week. The kids will have a giggle and this kind of affection reassures them that you're close to each other, as well as to them.
The 20 Minute Reconnect
You don't need a whole weekend away or even a regular "date night" to keep the spark alive.
* Take short walks together. Catch up on each others life and use this time to reconnect to each other.
* Pair up when you take the kids to daycare or pick them up from an activity. The portion of the commute or waiting time can be used to chat.
Early Bedtime for Kids
Get you your kids into a strong bedtime routine from a young age (one year old is good time to start the process).
This will give you time after your kids are in bed to do things you want and need to do and time to spend together, without interruptions from the kids. A good bedtime for toddlers, especially those in school is 7:30 -8:00pm.
Help Carry the Cargo
* Share in the chores. This can also be a prime couple time.
After the kids are in bed, get the evening chores done together along with some music. Not only will you finish sooner so you can relax, but because you are helping each other there is no resentment about who does more. This is a good time to chat and catch up on things.
Encourage Independence
* Teach your kids to play independently (an added value for their imagination)
When children learn to entertain themselves for short periods of time, it means less time you have to spend as your tot's activity director leaving more time for yourself and your spouse.
More ways to keep the Glow Glowing
Revive your past
Remember who you were as individuals and as a couple before you were parents. Bring back into your lives the activities you used to enjoy together. This is particularly effective when your routine starts to feel just that - routine.
Schedule Love Making
True. It's not very spontaneous. However, sex is usually the one area left out because something has to give right? So scheduling it into your routine is more practical. Waiting for it to JUST APPEAR one night will cause you to lose your intimate relationship.
Quiet Quarreling
Loud, out of control arguing is insulting, and will have huge consequences on the intimacy level of your marriage. Doing it in front of your kids will cause them to do the same with you when you have a disagreement. It also shows them you don't respect each other. A Preschooler is old enough to recognize this - make no mistake.
Father can Know Best
If your spouse thinks you don't trust them to take care of the kids as well as you do, it will cause resentment and you will find your spouse, bailing out of the picture every chance he gets. Don't criticize too much and be open minded with things. Let him do it his way sometimes. Men should guard against fleeing off in order to escape parenting.
Daytime Dating
You already know that a date can reignite that spark in your relationship -- but you can extend the range of dating by doing lunch dating while the kids are in day care or at an activity. If you are both working parents then meet up for lunch.
The Stages of Marriage - Feeling trapped?
Appreciate that the trying times in your marriage are only temporary. This helps you not feel trapped.
Feeling disconnected from your partner while your kids are little simply comes with the territory of parenting. It doesn't mean you have a failed marriage and are heading for a break up. However, when faced with marriage trouble use your anger and concern as a sign you need to make an effort to connect with each other.
Marriage advice from the professionals say that one of a child's biggest anxieties is that their parents won't stay together. You can avoid this fear in your children by ensuring you invest time and energy into your marriage thus avoiding marriage trouble. Knowing their parents have a strong, untouchable relationship is one of a child's greatest comforts so give it to them and at the same time give yourself the gift of an unbreakable bond.
Unfortunately, it seems having kids can bring on marriage trouble but if you are aware of the areas that are the most affected you can easily balance these two important areas of your life and having kids can be a positive accompaniment to your marriage. These two areas can support each other instead of working against each other.
As parents do, we are engrossed in taking care of our childrens' needs and security. Finding time to feed, bathe, and play with them between work schedules is challenging enough. Hanging out as a couple is like a dream from the old days, when getting together was like signing your name.
There is more to it than time management. Marriage trouble can be escalated with routine squabbles about everything from how to discipline the kids to your own expectations -- and disappointments. Many couples spend nil time together, even when the kids are in bed, a couple will go on to do their own thing and never meet up after wards. Through it all, the nagging question remains: How does a couple with kids protect their marriage -- the relationship that created these beautiful children to begin with -- and still manage to be good parents? What can they do as a couple to protect their marriage and create a firmer foundation?
These tips are highly effective toward marriage trouble after kids. They will help you and your spouse create a firmer foundation and a happier married life and at the same time demonstrate to your kids what a strong couple you are, affirming to them that your family will always be together. An added benefit to this is that your children will also learn over a period of time how to be good partners themselves.
Learn to Compromise
It's a very common problem. We give plenty of attention to our children but not enough to each other. Over time, this transfer of focus can start to hurt even the most solid relationships.
Make no mistake that a strong relationship with your partner is one of the best things a couple can do for their kids and their childhood. Harboring a solid, loving relationship sets your children up for better marriages themselves when they grow up. They will have had a good example to follow and will want to have the same as they saw their parents having.
* Set a plan in place that enables you and your spouse to have free time together and spend that time together. If you are both too tired then be too tired together. If you just feel like going to bed then go to bed together. Once you get into the motion of doing something together your feeling of tired will bend, as you have something to look forward to and spending time with your spouse.
Strengthen the Foundation
How can you keep a focus on your marriage when most of your time and energy is devoted to your kids?
* Keep the relationship with your partner at the top of the list, above your children. This doesn't mean to forget about the needs of your children. You can do the little things that let each other know and the kids know how much you value your relationship with your spouse.
Keep the Romance Alive!
* Shift your center of attention sometimes.
It is important for your children to learn, from a young age, that mom and dad can't just drop everything when they want their attention. Don't allow them to interrupt your adult conversations.
This takes time and training just like everything involving kids but it is well worth it when the training takes hold. When your child gets older he can participate more in the conversations but until then it is valuable for your relationship that your kids learn to wait their turn to talk.
Warm Welcomes
You hug your kids everyday, usually more then once. Even the dog gets a cuddle or two. What about your spouse? Does he/she get greeted with enthusiasm or just a simple "hello" in the midst of your busy schedule?
* Once in a while, kiss and hug your spouse when they get home, as if one of you is going away and you aren't going to see each other for a week. The kids will have a giggle and this kind of affection reassures them that you're close to each other, as well as to them.
The 20 Minute Reconnect
You don't need a whole weekend away or even a regular "date night" to keep the spark alive.
* Take short walks together. Catch up on each others life and use this time to reconnect to each other.
* Pair up when you take the kids to daycare or pick them up from an activity. The portion of the commute or waiting time can be used to chat.
Early Bedtime for Kids
Get you your kids into a strong bedtime routine from a young age (one year old is good time to start the process).
This will give you time after your kids are in bed to do things you want and need to do and time to spend together, without interruptions from the kids. A good bedtime for toddlers, especially those in school is 7:30 -8:00pm.
Help Carry the Cargo
* Share in the chores. This can also be a prime couple time.
After the kids are in bed, get the evening chores done together along with some music. Not only will you finish sooner so you can relax, but because you are helping each other there is no resentment about who does more. This is a good time to chat and catch up on things.
Encourage Independence
* Teach your kids to play independently (an added value for their imagination)
When children learn to entertain themselves for short periods of time, it means less time you have to spend as your tot's activity director leaving more time for yourself and your spouse.
More ways to keep the Glow Glowing
Revive your past
Remember who you were as individuals and as a couple before you were parents. Bring back into your lives the activities you used to enjoy together. This is particularly effective when your routine starts to feel just that - routine.
Schedule Love Making
True. It's not very spontaneous. However, sex is usually the one area left out because something has to give right? So scheduling it into your routine is more practical. Waiting for it to JUST APPEAR one night will cause you to lose your intimate relationship.
Quiet Quarreling
Loud, out of control arguing is insulting, and will have huge consequences on the intimacy level of your marriage. Doing it in front of your kids will cause them to do the same with you when you have a disagreement. It also shows them you don't respect each other. A Preschooler is old enough to recognize this - make no mistake.
Father can Know Best
If your spouse thinks you don't trust them to take care of the kids as well as you do, it will cause resentment and you will find your spouse, bailing out of the picture every chance he gets. Don't criticize too much and be open minded with things. Let him do it his way sometimes. Men should guard against fleeing off in order to escape parenting.
Daytime Dating
You already know that a date can reignite that spark in your relationship -- but you can extend the range of dating by doing lunch dating while the kids are in day care or at an activity. If you are both working parents then meet up for lunch.
The Stages of Marriage - Feeling trapped?
Appreciate that the trying times in your marriage are only temporary. This helps you not feel trapped.
Feeling disconnected from your partner while your kids are little simply comes with the territory of parenting. It doesn't mean you have a failed marriage and are heading for a break up. However, when faced with marriage trouble use your anger and concern as a sign you need to make an effort to connect with each other.
Marriage advice from the professionals say that one of a child's biggest anxieties is that their parents won't stay together. You can avoid this fear in your children by ensuring you invest time and energy into your marriage thus avoiding marriage trouble. Knowing their parents have a strong, untouchable relationship is one of a child's greatest comforts so give it to them and at the same time give yourself the gift of an unbreakable bond.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Save My Marriage Today - Top 10 Tips to Save Your Marriage and Stop Your Wife from Divorcing You
Wondering if there's anyone who can help "save my marriage today?" Well there is someone and that someone is you! Today, by committing to following some simple steps, you can begin to save your marriage before your wife follows through on her threat to leave and divorce you!
1) Start listening to what your wife is worried about. You might not agree with her concerns about your marriage, life, her job, the kids or whatever it is, but you need to show her the respect of listening.
2) Help out around the home! Don't expect your wife to be the one who waits on you hand and foot. It doesn't matter if she's a stay at home mom, you would be wise to help her out with the household chores and take the kids out on your own once a week so she can have some time to herself.
3) Compliment her on how sexy she looks. This will boost her confidence and make her feel good about herself and good about you!
4) Date her! Just like you did before you were married. Again, she'll start feeling confident, special and that you want to be with her - this is a tip that can really save your marriage.
5) Share your worries with her! This will make her feel close to you emotionally and women love it when a man opens up to them.
6) Make yourself look great for her. Hit the gym, get some new clothes and get a hair cut.
7) Spoil her with flowers or other thoughtful gifts that you know she'd love. She'll feel special and feel you've been thinking about her during the day.
8 Get into the habit of calling or texting her when you're away from her, this lets her know you're thinking about her and looking forward to seeing her.
9) Regularly tell her you love her.
10) Get hold of one of the better marriage repair guides, read through it and take the action outlined to save your marriage - this is without doubt the biggest tip of all to save your marriage.
Now, if you're really serious about finding out how to "save my marriage today" then following the 10 tips outlined and building on them over time will definitely save your marriage.
Don't Risk Losing Your Marriage And The Wife You Love!
So, get serious now about repairing your marriage. To repair a marriage, you need a marriage repair book like Save My Marriage Today, which will give you the best chance of saving your marriage. Click on the link for real success and save my marriage today
1) Start listening to what your wife is worried about. You might not agree with her concerns about your marriage, life, her job, the kids or whatever it is, but you need to show her the respect of listening.
2) Help out around the home! Don't expect your wife to be the one who waits on you hand and foot. It doesn't matter if she's a stay at home mom, you would be wise to help her out with the household chores and take the kids out on your own once a week so she can have some time to herself.
3) Compliment her on how sexy she looks. This will boost her confidence and make her feel good about herself and good about you!
4) Date her! Just like you did before you were married. Again, she'll start feeling confident, special and that you want to be with her - this is a tip that can really save your marriage.
5) Share your worries with her! This will make her feel close to you emotionally and women love it when a man opens up to them.
6) Make yourself look great for her. Hit the gym, get some new clothes and get a hair cut.
7) Spoil her with flowers or other thoughtful gifts that you know she'd love. She'll feel special and feel you've been thinking about her during the day.
8 Get into the habit of calling or texting her when you're away from her, this lets her know you're thinking about her and looking forward to seeing her.
9) Regularly tell her you love her.
10) Get hold of one of the better marriage repair guides, read through it and take the action outlined to save your marriage - this is without doubt the biggest tip of all to save your marriage.
Now, if you're really serious about finding out how to "save my marriage today" then following the 10 tips outlined and building on them over time will definitely save your marriage.
Don't Risk Losing Your Marriage And The Wife You Love!
So, get serious now about repairing your marriage. To repair a marriage, you need a marriage repair book like Save My Marriage Today, which will give you the best chance of saving your marriage. Click on the link for real success and save my marriage today
Marriage Counseling: How to Reduce Hurt Feelings When You and Your Spouse Disagree
One of the biggest on-going problems for couples is how to reduce the hurt feelings that can result from arguments and disagreements. The fall-out from a no-holds barred “kill your opponent” verbal altercation can last for decades.
I have worked with numerous couples in marriage counseling who have struggled with forgiving each other for damaging words they have said during a fight. Many times, the fallout from an argument or shouting match is left to accumulate like toxic dust on the relationship, with each ensuing episode adding another layer. Eventually, the residue interferes with every component of the marriage as resentment and unaddressed issues build up.
The words you say and the tone of voice you use during an argument are important. So is the way you deliver your message (screaming and hollering, for example) and any non-verbal gestures you use (shaking your finger in your partner’s face). If you make fun of your spouse and show disrespect for him, you are hurting the chances for real communication between you.
The same is true if you make threatening gestures and try to intimidate your spouse with your anger. Honest, healthy communication requires a feeling of safety from attack. A spouse who is afraid her partner will make fun of her ideas or feelings, either at the time or later during an argument, isn’t going to share what she is really thinking or feeling.
So how can you and your spouse create an atmosphere of safety and protection so that you can each express your real feelings and thoughts? And how can you disagree so that you don’t permanently damage your marriage?
You can take action and ask your spouse if the two of you can work together to develop a list of fair fighting rules that you both agree to abide by. Here are some guidelines often used in marriage counseling sessions for you to consider:
1. Even when you’re in the white heat of anger, think about the possible damage that you could do if you let your anger out unrestrained. The challenge is for each of you to express yourself without damaging the fabric of your relationship. The fabric of the relationship has to be protected. There’s no place in a healthy marriage for a partner who wants to win an argument at all costs, no matter what he or she has to say or do to “win.” The same goes for a partner who wants to “win” by hurting the spouse as much as possible.
2. Emphasize showing respect for each other, even if you can’t figure out how your spouse could possibly feel the way he or she does. You don’t have to understand it and you don’t have to agree—you just have to respect your spouse’s right to have differing ideas and opinions.
3. Ban name-calling, cursing, belittling, sarcasm, mockery, screaming, and pushing, slapping, or other physical or emotional abuse. These actions will only cause division and hard feelings between you and will harm your relationship. They will not help you to find constructive ways to settle your differences.
4. Avoid using words such as “always” and “never,” such as “You’re always late. You’re never on time for anything. I’m sick and tired of always waiting for you.” The words “always” and “never” are examples of over-generalizing, and they close communication doors instead of opening them. They also divert the discussion from the real issues and turn the focus onto whether or not the other person can come up with an example of a time when he or she wasn’t late but the partner was.
5. Keep the discussion limited to the issue at hand. Many relationships have an informal “historian” who can recount every mistake the other spouse has ever made. When this happens, the discussion is diverted from the present issue to an argument about what did or didn’t happen in the past, which greatly reduces the odds that the present disagreement will be resolved. Stick with current events instead of revisiting past history that can’t be changed.
6. Listen to each other and let each person speak his or her mind. This can be difficult to do when you’re frustrated, impatient, and agitated. But until you have heard each other out, you don’t have all the information you need to try to reach a respectful compromise.
7. Take a break from the discussion when it gets too emotional or “heavy.” Go to the bathroom, step outside on the deck, or do some deep breathing exercises to help relieve the stress. Let yourself cool down and give yourself a chance to regroup before continuing the discussion.
8. Apologize immediately when you slip and say something that might hurt your spouse’s feelings. Say, “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to come out sounding like that. Please forgive me. Let me try again.”
9. Look for a “win-win” compromise resolution. Some issues are more important to one spouse than the other, and it builds up good will to go with your partner’s views when it doesn’t really matter as much to you.
If your spouse wants you to record the checks you write in a certain way so that it’ll be easier for him or her to handle the bill-paying, it probably makes sense to go along with it, even if it’s not the way you’d do it. That will build up good will so that the next time you have a differing opinion about something that’s really important to you, you’ll have a better chance of acquiring support from your spouse.
10. If the subject is too emotional for you and your spouse to resolve between you, then consider enlisting the help of a professional counselor to serve as mediator. It may only take two to three sessions to clear the air, generate some new options, and make a decision. And the best part is that by using a counselor to help you work out an acceptable compromise, you avoid the long-term strain and emotional drain that could damage your marriage for years.
Until you and your spouse can discuss emotional issues and have differing opinions without being disrespectful to each other, it will be impossible to tackle the really crucial issues in your marriage with any lasting success. Without mutual respect and the assurance that you won’t be ridiculed, you will both be reluctant to express your true feelings and show vulnerability.
To get more help on how to have a good marriage visit: http:tinyurl.com/mc39zz
I have worked with numerous couples in marriage counseling who have struggled with forgiving each other for damaging words they have said during a fight. Many times, the fallout from an argument or shouting match is left to accumulate like toxic dust on the relationship, with each ensuing episode adding another layer. Eventually, the residue interferes with every component of the marriage as resentment and unaddressed issues build up.
The words you say and the tone of voice you use during an argument are important. So is the way you deliver your message (screaming and hollering, for example) and any non-verbal gestures you use (shaking your finger in your partner’s face). If you make fun of your spouse and show disrespect for him, you are hurting the chances for real communication between you.
The same is true if you make threatening gestures and try to intimidate your spouse with your anger. Honest, healthy communication requires a feeling of safety from attack. A spouse who is afraid her partner will make fun of her ideas or feelings, either at the time or later during an argument, isn’t going to share what she is really thinking or feeling.
So how can you and your spouse create an atmosphere of safety and protection so that you can each express your real feelings and thoughts? And how can you disagree so that you don’t permanently damage your marriage?
You can take action and ask your spouse if the two of you can work together to develop a list of fair fighting rules that you both agree to abide by. Here are some guidelines often used in marriage counseling sessions for you to consider:
1. Even when you’re in the white heat of anger, think about the possible damage that you could do if you let your anger out unrestrained. The challenge is for each of you to express yourself without damaging the fabric of your relationship. The fabric of the relationship has to be protected. There’s no place in a healthy marriage for a partner who wants to win an argument at all costs, no matter what he or she has to say or do to “win.” The same goes for a partner who wants to “win” by hurting the spouse as much as possible.
2. Emphasize showing respect for each other, even if you can’t figure out how your spouse could possibly feel the way he or she does. You don’t have to understand it and you don’t have to agree—you just have to respect your spouse’s right to have differing ideas and opinions.
3. Ban name-calling, cursing, belittling, sarcasm, mockery, screaming, and pushing, slapping, or other physical or emotional abuse. These actions will only cause division and hard feelings between you and will harm your relationship. They will not help you to find constructive ways to settle your differences.
4. Avoid using words such as “always” and “never,” such as “You’re always late. You’re never on time for anything. I’m sick and tired of always waiting for you.” The words “always” and “never” are examples of over-generalizing, and they close communication doors instead of opening them. They also divert the discussion from the real issues and turn the focus onto whether or not the other person can come up with an example of a time when he or she wasn’t late but the partner was.
5. Keep the discussion limited to the issue at hand. Many relationships have an informal “historian” who can recount every mistake the other spouse has ever made. When this happens, the discussion is diverted from the present issue to an argument about what did or didn’t happen in the past, which greatly reduces the odds that the present disagreement will be resolved. Stick with current events instead of revisiting past history that can’t be changed.
6. Listen to each other and let each person speak his or her mind. This can be difficult to do when you’re frustrated, impatient, and agitated. But until you have heard each other out, you don’t have all the information you need to try to reach a respectful compromise.
7. Take a break from the discussion when it gets too emotional or “heavy.” Go to the bathroom, step outside on the deck, or do some deep breathing exercises to help relieve the stress. Let yourself cool down and give yourself a chance to regroup before continuing the discussion.
8. Apologize immediately when you slip and say something that might hurt your spouse’s feelings. Say, “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to come out sounding like that. Please forgive me. Let me try again.”
9. Look for a “win-win” compromise resolution. Some issues are more important to one spouse than the other, and it builds up good will to go with your partner’s views when it doesn’t really matter as much to you.
If your spouse wants you to record the checks you write in a certain way so that it’ll be easier for him or her to handle the bill-paying, it probably makes sense to go along with it, even if it’s not the way you’d do it. That will build up good will so that the next time you have a differing opinion about something that’s really important to you, you’ll have a better chance of acquiring support from your spouse.
10. If the subject is too emotional for you and your spouse to resolve between you, then consider enlisting the help of a professional counselor to serve as mediator. It may only take two to three sessions to clear the air, generate some new options, and make a decision. And the best part is that by using a counselor to help you work out an acceptable compromise, you avoid the long-term strain and emotional drain that could damage your marriage for years.
Until you and your spouse can discuss emotional issues and have differing opinions without being disrespectful to each other, it will be impossible to tackle the really crucial issues in your marriage with any lasting success. Without mutual respect and the assurance that you won’t be ridiculed, you will both be reluctant to express your true feelings and show vulnerability.
To get more help on how to have a good marriage visit: http:tinyurl.com/mc39zz
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