There are two ways we can love our spouse. We can love under our own understanding of what we think love is, or we can love the way God has directed us to love. I think we all know how to love, but doing it is a whole different matter.
What is the difference between the two? The first way of loving is a condition and learned way to love, which is selfish and self-seeking. We don't know we are behaving selfishly because we do not know any other way to love.
The second way of loving is what comes naturally because we have loved and accepted God into our lives first. The reason it's so natural is because we have recognized and utilized the spiritual Christ in our lives, which makes loving a natural process of who we are.
It is very difficult to love another if we are only thinking about ourselves. Some examples of how we love our spouse selfishly are, committing adultery, being disrespectful, using controlling behavior, using negative feelings, becoming resentful, becoming ensnared in an addiction, and the list goes on.
False teachings on marriage and loose morals in society have caused many couples to become bitter and apprehensive when loving one another. Society has lost the value of what real love is and it has tainted couples into sinful behavior. As we all know sin dampens our love for God by turning our focus on ourselves. You cannot truly love your spouse if you only think of yourself.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church without stain, or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:25-28
1. A Husband should be willing to sacrifice everything for his wife just as Jesus Christ sacrificed everything for us. Do you think a husband who loves God will be able to make his wife the most important aspect of his life?
2. A Husband should make his wife's well-being of prime importance. Do you think that if a man accepts Christ into his life he will know how to love, protect, provide and care for his wife properly? God will give him the answers he needs.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:22-24
As you can see from scripture, both husband and wife are called to submit. For the wife, this means willingly following her husband's leadership in Christ. For the husband, it means putting aside his own interests in order to care for his wife properly. This means doing whatever it takes to protect, provide, love, and care for his wife under the "spiritual authority" given to him by God.
If a husband does not accept the "spiritual authority" of God, then he has no justification to think that his wife submit to him the way God intends for a woman to submit to her husband. Obviously they are not basing their love under the foundations of Jesus Christ, but under their own understanding of what they think love is, and this scripture, therefore, does not apply to them.
Here is what couples usually tell me when they are going through difficulties in their marriage. They want to do what is right for their marriage. They are willing to work at the marriage but don't know what to do about their problems. Their negative feelings bring them down, and they are usually upset and furious over the iniquities and faults of one another.
The problem is couples are basing their marriage upon worldly views, attitudes, and thoughts, and the fact is, as long as they continue to do so, they will continue to have difficulties loving their spouse properly. When we are not motivated by love, we become critical of our spouse. We stop looking for the good things in those we love and only see their faults.
We can all talk about how to love and we know what the bible says about loving our spouse, but what about doing what it says! Bottom line is real love takes effort, and if the willingness is not there to work on marriage and to love our spouse with the love that comes natural, couples will have problems.
The good news is you can love your spouse naturally and wholly by recognizing and utilizing the foundations of God's design into your relationship and working off of that for your marriage.
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Romans 12:9-13
Angie Lewis is the author of two marriage books. "Journey on the Roads Less Traveled", a book about love, life, addiction, and marriage.
"Love The Man Your Married. This book tackles areas in marriage that couples need to know and understand and apply for a successful marriage. This book is a most reliable resource for married couples, from infidelity issues to complete forgiveness.
For more information on these books visit Angie's website and sign up for the free monthly newsletter while you're there! Get yours by clicking this link :
Article Source:Check it out here:
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Can I Save My Marriage? Try to Spice Up Your Sex Life.By Lanny A Ward
Whenever they feel that their marriage has reached an all time low or is in severe danger of doing so, many martial partners will raise the question: "can I save my marriage?" The answer is both yes and no, because if the relationship is not working out (for whatever reason) and only one spouse is making all of the effort, then the relationship will not get terribly far. A marriage has to be a relationship which prizes honesty, commitment, loyalty and trust between both spouses and where both spouses are made to feel valued and appreciated. An unequal partnership is an unhealthy relationship and whilst it may function for a while in the short-term it will eventually falter and then die a death in the long term.
However that said, it maybe that one of the spouses has to take that all essential first step towards making progress and so they may want to try and initiate the new regime of change. The same problems and issues plague marriages across the world and irrespective of length, or culture and thankfully the solutions are equally universal.
If you feel that sex is the issue (whether this is due to the lack of it or the "quality" of it) then focus on this. It is important that the spouses appreciate that males and females regard sexuality in different ways and there will be different aspects of it that they will value over the others. Men for example, tend to be rather visual creatures who prefer overt and prominent displays of sexuality and femininity. Ladies, why not surprise (and treat!) your husband to some new lingerie? Bring him his dinner in it, and watch his eyes pop out of his head in a heady combination of lust, desire, surprise and delight!
Nothing excites a man quite so much than fellatio (oral sex) and again the principle of conspicuousness outlined in the above paragraph is equally applicable. Make sure you wear a very bright lipstick be it red or pink to accentuate your mouth, groan and moan whilst performing it and make sure to compliment him on his size/taste/whatever.
As pleasant as fellatio is and can be, one of the surest ways to excite your man is to make eye contact with him during it. There is nothing quite so delicious or erotic in this world than to have a female adoring your penis with a look of submission and devotion in her eyes.
However that said, it maybe that one of the spouses has to take that all essential first step towards making progress and so they may want to try and initiate the new regime of change. The same problems and issues plague marriages across the world and irrespective of length, or culture and thankfully the solutions are equally universal.
If you feel that sex is the issue (whether this is due to the lack of it or the "quality" of it) then focus on this. It is important that the spouses appreciate that males and females regard sexuality in different ways and there will be different aspects of it that they will value over the others. Men for example, tend to be rather visual creatures who prefer overt and prominent displays of sexuality and femininity. Ladies, why not surprise (and treat!) your husband to some new lingerie? Bring him his dinner in it, and watch his eyes pop out of his head in a heady combination of lust, desire, surprise and delight!
Nothing excites a man quite so much than fellatio (oral sex) and again the principle of conspicuousness outlined in the above paragraph is equally applicable. Make sure you wear a very bright lipstick be it red or pink to accentuate your mouth, groan and moan whilst performing it and make sure to compliment him on his size/taste/whatever.
As pleasant as fellatio is and can be, one of the surest ways to excite your man is to make eye contact with him during it. There is nothing quite so delicious or erotic in this world than to have a female adoring your penis with a look of submission and devotion in her eyes.
3 Easy Ways to Last Longer in Bed and Give Her Multiple EXPLOSIVE Orgasms (Very Powerful!).By Evan Kinney
Do you notice that just after 15 minutes of sex (or even less), you already reach your limit and climax? Do you even notice your partner having her own orgasm with you? And when she says it doesn't really matter if she doesn't orgasm, don't take her word for it - you could be in real trouble! You really have to work on bringing her to a climax each time you have sex. Follow these 3 simple tips to increase your stamina, and even outlast her!
#1 - Diversify your styles: Even if sex feels so amazing for you, do not stick with one position when making love to her. When you are feeling so good, change your position so you reduce your own stimulation. Try to do this naturally so it would not feel awkward and just feel like a continuation of your making love. Keep at it and do not stop so her pleasure builds even as you keep yours down.
#2 - Give yourself some Love before giving her some too! Masturbate first if you know you will be having sex with your lady today. By spending all that energy and having your penis lose some of its stored sperm, you decrease the chances of you to have a premature ejaculation. This will make sure you would be able to hold your penis up longer.
#3 - Do not let yourself be over stimulated: Limiting the sensation of your penis with a condom would ensure that you are able to have sex with your partner longer. Try those thick condoms that are on sale. If you cannot find any, wear two condoms. It will be very difficult if you're just controlling your penis to hold your climax. You cannot even tell what might happen during sex, so it is definitely better to be safe than sorry!
#1 - Diversify your styles: Even if sex feels so amazing for you, do not stick with one position when making love to her. When you are feeling so good, change your position so you reduce your own stimulation. Try to do this naturally so it would not feel awkward and just feel like a continuation of your making love. Keep at it and do not stop so her pleasure builds even as you keep yours down.
#2 - Give yourself some Love before giving her some too! Masturbate first if you know you will be having sex with your lady today. By spending all that energy and having your penis lose some of its stored sperm, you decrease the chances of you to have a premature ejaculation. This will make sure you would be able to hold your penis up longer.
#3 - Do not let yourself be over stimulated: Limiting the sensation of your penis with a condom would ensure that you are able to have sex with your partner longer. Try those thick condoms that are on sale. If you cannot find any, wear two condoms. It will be very difficult if you're just controlling your penis to hold your climax. You cannot even tell what might happen during sex, so it is definitely better to be safe than sorry!
The 7 Christian Sex Laws For Better Sex In Marriage.By Jacob Thomas
The amount of sexual, romantic, and intimate satisfaction you expect from your marriage is largely affected by your ability to constantly and consistently reinforce the reasons why you and your lover chose to wed. I promise you can enjoy giving and receiving better sex with hyper satisfaction so long as you are willing to do three things:
1. Pray with God and each other
2. Take the time to uncover and workout the 'little-meaningless-issues' in your marriage that turn into big disagreements.
3. Continue to always want/ask for an increase in the intimacy department of your marriage.
In addition to these three things though, I have a set of rules - Jacob's Sex Laws that I recommend to Christian couples who want to improve the intimacy in their marriage.
Be there.
Use your mind.
Use props.
Take your time.
Get Feedback.
Use everything.
Always care outside.
Be There
One of the biggest factors of great sexual chemistry that's overlooked is being unattached to what's going on. It doesn't matter whether you are on the giving end or receiving end of sex; it's important to stay focused and be there. Have you ever heard the saying of 'physically here, mentally somewhere else'? Some days you may have to work hard to keep from getting distracted. The bills will still get paid and Johnny will do his homework on time, so for the moment - just relax and enjoy the moment.
Use your mind
Just because you may be in the habit of physically going through the motions of sex does not mean that's the way it's supposed to be. The best kind of sex is always an emotional journey like a 747 airplane's gradual climb to the top of the clouded blue lit sky and a comfortable descent in paradise. Use your mind to think of new positions, things to say, different ways to say it, different ways to kiss, a great sex story can always add extra excitement to the night.
Use Props
You don't always have to be in the bed to have sex. The slightest change in your sex location can make a huge difference in interest, desire, and arousal. Far too often the bed is used as the main center of attraction for sex.
Take your time
One of the biggest romance and intimacy killers of all time is the refusal to actively engage in foreplay. After dinner sit at the table and talk, talk about things you don't normally talk about and ask questions that will arouse your spouse. Be flirtatious in a way that is irresistible and tease your spouse to no end. The next move to make is to kiss, fondle, and undress - but slooooooooooowwww down. Some nights it will be better to take one article of clothing off at a time (with music on in the background and your 'sexy' face) than to lay there and just wait for it.
Get Feedback
Is there anything I can do better? Is there anything I do that totally annoys you? Every now and then a sex survey is necessary for both your benefit and your spouse's. Maybe you'll find out that he likes to have the lights on so he can watch the action. Or maybe you'll find out that she likes to have her hair stroked and be hugged tightly. Most sex experts do not mention the importance of a feedback loop but it is important in your marriage considering how feelings, moods, attitudes can change over time.
Use everything
Being able to multi-task/touch is the name of the game and will work miracles you never thought were possible. I would like to say think of yourself like an octopus if I may do so, but in that light - if you can rub her feet while kissing in the missionary position you will create a huge surge of arousal by hitting those erotic zones. As a wife - if you can rub oil on his chest while straddling him and telling him your fantasies, you will drive your husband insane...to the moon and back.
Always care outside
The factor that we drive home the most and always stress is that sex does not start in the bedroom; it never has and never will - and the sooner you can grasp this concept is the sooner you ensure you will always enjoy great sex. You see, thinking about each other and being happy with each other outside of the bedroom is the key to having outrageously exciting sex. Being able to hold hands, kiss, laugh, share ideas, and secrets is what fuels the fire....sex is just the way to put it out.
Always remember and know that your marriage is extremely valuable and the intimacy you share with your spouse is another way of making it stronger
1. Pray with God and each other
2. Take the time to uncover and workout the 'little-meaningless-issues' in your marriage that turn into big disagreements.
3. Continue to always want/ask for an increase in the intimacy department of your marriage.
In addition to these three things though, I have a set of rules - Jacob's Sex Laws that I recommend to Christian couples who want to improve the intimacy in their marriage.
Be there.
Use your mind.
Use props.
Take your time.
Get Feedback.
Use everything.
Always care outside.
Be There
One of the biggest factors of great sexual chemistry that's overlooked is being unattached to what's going on. It doesn't matter whether you are on the giving end or receiving end of sex; it's important to stay focused and be there. Have you ever heard the saying of 'physically here, mentally somewhere else'? Some days you may have to work hard to keep from getting distracted. The bills will still get paid and Johnny will do his homework on time, so for the moment - just relax and enjoy the moment.
Use your mind
Just because you may be in the habit of physically going through the motions of sex does not mean that's the way it's supposed to be. The best kind of sex is always an emotional journey like a 747 airplane's gradual climb to the top of the clouded blue lit sky and a comfortable descent in paradise. Use your mind to think of new positions, things to say, different ways to say it, different ways to kiss, a great sex story can always add extra excitement to the night.
Use Props
You don't always have to be in the bed to have sex. The slightest change in your sex location can make a huge difference in interest, desire, and arousal. Far too often the bed is used as the main center of attraction for sex.
Take your time
One of the biggest romance and intimacy killers of all time is the refusal to actively engage in foreplay. After dinner sit at the table and talk, talk about things you don't normally talk about and ask questions that will arouse your spouse. Be flirtatious in a way that is irresistible and tease your spouse to no end. The next move to make is to kiss, fondle, and undress - but slooooooooooowwww down. Some nights it will be better to take one article of clothing off at a time (with music on in the background and your 'sexy' face) than to lay there and just wait for it.
Get Feedback
Is there anything I can do better? Is there anything I do that totally annoys you? Every now and then a sex survey is necessary for both your benefit and your spouse's. Maybe you'll find out that he likes to have the lights on so he can watch the action. Or maybe you'll find out that she likes to have her hair stroked and be hugged tightly. Most sex experts do not mention the importance of a feedback loop but it is important in your marriage considering how feelings, moods, attitudes can change over time.
Use everything
Being able to multi-task/touch is the name of the game and will work miracles you never thought were possible. I would like to say think of yourself like an octopus if I may do so, but in that light - if you can rub her feet while kissing in the missionary position you will create a huge surge of arousal by hitting those erotic zones. As a wife - if you can rub oil on his chest while straddling him and telling him your fantasies, you will drive your husband insane...to the moon and back.
Always care outside
The factor that we drive home the most and always stress is that sex does not start in the bedroom; it never has and never will - and the sooner you can grasp this concept is the sooner you ensure you will always enjoy great sex. You see, thinking about each other and being happy with each other outside of the bedroom is the key to having outrageously exciting sex. Being able to hold hands, kiss, laugh, share ideas, and secrets is what fuels the fire....sex is just the way to put it out.
Always remember and know that your marriage is extremely valuable and the intimacy you share with your spouse is another way of making it stronger
Twelve Ways to Make Your Spouse Dislike Sex. By Nancy Wasson
It’s really not difficult to ruin what could have been great sex. If that’s your goal, following these twelve suggestions will ensure that, over time, your spouse will become very creative in finding ways to avoid having sex with you.
Of course, we're writing this article “tongue in cheek” to make a point. But we can assure you that these behaviors will detract from your sexual relationship with your partner. That’s because sexual feelings are vulnerable to being affected by so many other factors, such as self-esteem, expectations, criticism, emotional intimacy, and pressure.
Do these Things to Ruin Your Sex Life
So here are the behaviors guaranteed to be “turn offs” to your spouse. In italics is the faulty reasoning that gets marriages into trouble. In parentheses (...), we've added a counterweight to the faulty reasoning.
1. Develop a set routine for when you want to have sex—the same time and same place every week.
“That way, you don’t have to wonder when you’ll have sex—Sunday night at 9:00 p.m. in the bedroom—just like clock work. No use leaving it to chance, right?”
(How boring. Try adding excitement by surprising your mate with something slightly new and different.)
2. Follow exactly the same “plays” and “moves” each time.
“This way you both know what to expect each time. It’s just too much work to come up with different things to try, and after the honeymoon period, it’s not really necessary, is it?”
(Instead, remember a variation on the old saying that variety is the spice of life... and of sex).
3. Drink a lot first so that you’re loosened up.
“If your mate doesn’t like the smell or wishes you wouldn’t drink so much before sex, it’s just too bad. You can’t let your spouse tell you what to do, can you?”
(Consistent and excessive intoxication during sex is a big turn-off and could indicate deeper problems.)
4. Only touch your spouse when your goal is to have sex.
“Save your hugs, wet kisses, and holding hands until you’re ready to signal that you want sex. That way your partner will associate your touch with sex and know what to expect, get my drift? Cuts down on misunderstandings, doesn't it?”
(Actually, the best sex can be the result of hours or even days of buildup with no obvious sign of sex on the horizon. During this time, any sign of affection - a touch, a hug, some compliments - can be powerful foreplay that builds to ignite passion.)
5. Expect your spouse to deliver the sexual goods because you’re married.
“Your mate knows that every 'good' marriage partner owes sex to the other partner as part of his or her 'duties.' After all, isn’t this supposed to be one of the benefits of being married?”
(When sex becomes an obligation, it becomes as appealing as paying taxes. Instead, if your goal is to make the experience breathtaking for your partner, you'll never have to invoke guilt or obligation to get sex.)
6. Push for sex even if your spouse seems reluctant and uninterested as long as he or she says “okay.”
“If the verbal agreement is there, ignore the behavioral signals that indicate reluctance. If your spouse didn’t really want to have sex, he or she should have said so up front, right?”
(Pay close attention to your mate's body language. That can be more revealing of true interest in sex than words alone. You'll damage your relationship if you forge ahead when your partner only agrees just to get it over with.)
7. Skip foreplay and get to the major action immediately.
“It takes too much time to bother with all that extra stuff. Besides, both of you have to go to work in the morning and need your sleep. You can’t afford to waste time.”
(The truth is, there is often a direct correlation to the amount of foreplay with the quality of the sex. The better the buildup, the better the payoff.)
8. Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance.
“After all, you’re only trying to motivate your mate to be a better sexual partner. It’s not healthy to keep things in, so he or she will just have to listen to your critique.”
(You will get more satisfying performance out of your mate by praising what he or she does that you like, rather than the contrary.)
9. Criticize your spouse’s physical appearance.
“If your partner has developed a beer belly or gotten flabby, you’re doing him or her a favor to say how much that turns you off. It’ll motivate your spouse to lose weight and shape up, which will help him or her in the long run.”
(The rule is: use positive strokes to motivate your partner. Negative criticism will poison your sex life.)
10. Answer your cell phone during sex.
“You just never know; this call might be important. Anyway, what’s the big deal? It’s not like you’ll never have sex again. You’ve been having sex for years now, so why should your partner get upset with an occasional interruption?”
(Respect your partner with your undivided attention to get back the same. Minimize all distractions if possible.)
11. Get it over with as fast as possible as long as you’re satisfied.
“Don’t ask your partner if there’s anything you can do for him or her. Just assume that everything’s okay unless your mate says something.”
(If satisfaction is not mutual, your sex life will suffer. The simple question a couple can ask each other - "How can I please you?" - works wonders.)
12. Jump up immediately and make your get-away afterwards.
“The faster you get finished, the faster you’ll be able to get to sleep. There’s no time to waste just lying there talking. You can talk tomorrow over breakfast.”
(Emotional closeness is the currency of intimacy and you can achieve it by allowing each other to share honest feelings. Pillow talk after sex is one of the best times for this.)
Of course, we're writing this article “tongue in cheek” to make a point. But we can assure you that these behaviors will detract from your sexual relationship with your partner. That’s because sexual feelings are vulnerable to being affected by so many other factors, such as self-esteem, expectations, criticism, emotional intimacy, and pressure.
Do these Things to Ruin Your Sex Life
So here are the behaviors guaranteed to be “turn offs” to your spouse. In italics is the faulty reasoning that gets marriages into trouble. In parentheses (...), we've added a counterweight to the faulty reasoning.
1. Develop a set routine for when you want to have sex—the same time and same place every week.
“That way, you don’t have to wonder when you’ll have sex—Sunday night at 9:00 p.m. in the bedroom—just like clock work. No use leaving it to chance, right?”
(How boring. Try adding excitement by surprising your mate with something slightly new and different.)
2. Follow exactly the same “plays” and “moves” each time.
“This way you both know what to expect each time. It’s just too much work to come up with different things to try, and after the honeymoon period, it’s not really necessary, is it?”
(Instead, remember a variation on the old saying that variety is the spice of life... and of sex).
3. Drink a lot first so that you’re loosened up.
“If your mate doesn’t like the smell or wishes you wouldn’t drink so much before sex, it’s just too bad. You can’t let your spouse tell you what to do, can you?”
(Consistent and excessive intoxication during sex is a big turn-off and could indicate deeper problems.)
4. Only touch your spouse when your goal is to have sex.
“Save your hugs, wet kisses, and holding hands until you’re ready to signal that you want sex. That way your partner will associate your touch with sex and know what to expect, get my drift? Cuts down on misunderstandings, doesn't it?”
(Actually, the best sex can be the result of hours or even days of buildup with no obvious sign of sex on the horizon. During this time, any sign of affection - a touch, a hug, some compliments - can be powerful foreplay that builds to ignite passion.)
5. Expect your spouse to deliver the sexual goods because you’re married.
“Your mate knows that every 'good' marriage partner owes sex to the other partner as part of his or her 'duties.' After all, isn’t this supposed to be one of the benefits of being married?”
(When sex becomes an obligation, it becomes as appealing as paying taxes. Instead, if your goal is to make the experience breathtaking for your partner, you'll never have to invoke guilt or obligation to get sex.)
6. Push for sex even if your spouse seems reluctant and uninterested as long as he or she says “okay.”
“If the verbal agreement is there, ignore the behavioral signals that indicate reluctance. If your spouse didn’t really want to have sex, he or she should have said so up front, right?”
(Pay close attention to your mate's body language. That can be more revealing of true interest in sex than words alone. You'll damage your relationship if you forge ahead when your partner only agrees just to get it over with.)
7. Skip foreplay and get to the major action immediately.
“It takes too much time to bother with all that extra stuff. Besides, both of you have to go to work in the morning and need your sleep. You can’t afford to waste time.”
(The truth is, there is often a direct correlation to the amount of foreplay with the quality of the sex. The better the buildup, the better the payoff.)
8. Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance.
“After all, you’re only trying to motivate your mate to be a better sexual partner. It’s not healthy to keep things in, so he or she will just have to listen to your critique.”
(You will get more satisfying performance out of your mate by praising what he or she does that you like, rather than the contrary.)
9. Criticize your spouse’s physical appearance.
“If your partner has developed a beer belly or gotten flabby, you’re doing him or her a favor to say how much that turns you off. It’ll motivate your spouse to lose weight and shape up, which will help him or her in the long run.”
(The rule is: use positive strokes to motivate your partner. Negative criticism will poison your sex life.)
10. Answer your cell phone during sex.
“You just never know; this call might be important. Anyway, what’s the big deal? It’s not like you’ll never have sex again. You’ve been having sex for years now, so why should your partner get upset with an occasional interruption?”
(Respect your partner with your undivided attention to get back the same. Minimize all distractions if possible.)
11. Get it over with as fast as possible as long as you’re satisfied.
“Don’t ask your partner if there’s anything you can do for him or her. Just assume that everything’s okay unless your mate says something.”
(If satisfaction is not mutual, your sex life will suffer. The simple question a couple can ask each other - "How can I please you?" - works wonders.)
12. Jump up immediately and make your get-away afterwards.
“The faster you get finished, the faster you’ll be able to get to sleep. There’s no time to waste just lying there talking. You can talk tomorrow over breakfast.”
(Emotional closeness is the currency of intimacy and you can achieve it by allowing each other to share honest feelings. Pillow talk after sex is one of the best times for this.)
Monday, August 17, 2009
Hooking Up vs. Lasting Love: It’s Your Choice
hooking Up” – “friends with benefits” – “booty call”
These terms have become all too familiar in today’s dating world. Are they words that you can relate to? Have you lived them in some way? If so, how have you felt about the experience(s) both during and after? Chances are that you have mixed feelings at best. Depending on your age and sex, you may give a somewhat different response to this question. Whatever your answer, a close look at this “dating experience” that impacts so many singles in so many ways may be useful to you as you think about what your long-term relationship goals are and what you REALLY want from a relationship.
So what exactly do these terms mean?
“Hooking up” is getting together for sex. There is generally no formal “date” involved.
“Friends with benefits” usually refers to two people who are “friends” who also have sex together. Again, there’s a distinction between what they share and “dating”.
“Booty call” usually describes the act of a man (woman) calling up another person to come over for sex. The sex doesn’t follow dinner, a movie or other “quality” time together, getting to really know each other. It’s physical.
Do you define this activity (even loosely) as dating? Has this become a new intimacy for some or many of you? If so, it’s important to look at how/if it meets your needs and if it aligns with your basic values and relationship wants and goals.
Begin by asking yourself some core questions, such as:
Am I comfortable with intimacy?
Am I comfortable with a purely physical relationship?
Am I able to be physically involved with someone while remaining emotionally detached?
How do I feel about myself when I engage in this behavior?
Am I doing this to please someone or win his or her affection?
Is monogamy and marriage my goal?
If your answers reflect discordance between how you feel and what you do; it would be helpful to understand the reasons behind your behavior. Do any of these sound familiar?
“It’s convenient”
“It’s easy”
“It’s safe”
“It requires no commitment on my part”
In addition to these explanations, some singles express a belief that “everyone does it” or “it’s expected”. Therefore, they often report engaging in it, but not feeling really ok or satisfied afterwards. Others use it as a substitute for real intimacy, referencing their difficulties in meeting and dating in general.
Then there are the people who have sex hoping it will lead to love. This too is a desire for intimacy that can lead to sadness and disappointment and the possibility of contacting a dangerous and life-altering infection. It reminds me of the line in a song, “if I can love you good enough on the outside to make you feel it on the inside, then maybe you will stay…”
If you recognize yourself in any of these statements and want to address your issue, begin with an inventory of your values and self-awareness.
Read the articles: “Defining Intimacy”, “Clarifying And Living Your Values”, and “How’s Your Self-Awareness”.
If you would find feedback that deals specifically with these issues helpful, take the “What’s Your Intimacy IQ” and “Are You Relationship Ready” quizzes.
Once you have determined what you really want from a relationship you can begin to make clear, thought out choices that will open the path that points in the direction you wish to go. Until you do so, you face the possibility of more disappointing and short-lived encounters that leave you feeling more alone and less hopeful about the possibility for lasting happy love.
Toni Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship coach and founder. As a recognized expert, Toni has been quoted in many local and national publications including: The Chicago Tribune, The Orlando Sentinel, New York Daily News, Indianapolis Star and Newsweek newspapers and Family Circle, Woman’s Day, Cosmo Style, Tango, Men’s Health, Star (regularly quoted body language expert), and Nirvana magazines. She has been featured on abcnews.com; discovery.health.com; aolnews.com; MSN.com, Match.com and planetearthradio.com. Toni offers dating help and relationship advice as the weekly love and dating coach on the KTRS Radio Morning Show (St. Louis, MO) and through her syndicated column, “Dear
Dating Coach.” Her newsletter, The Art Of Intimacy, helps over fifty-five hundred subscribers with its dating and relationship advice. Toni is a member of The International Coach Federation, The International Association Of Coaches and The National Association of Social Workers.
To get good books that will help you in both relationship and internet business go to www.resellrightstores.com
These terms have become all too familiar in today’s dating world. Are they words that you can relate to? Have you lived them in some way? If so, how have you felt about the experience(s) both during and after? Chances are that you have mixed feelings at best. Depending on your age and sex, you may give a somewhat different response to this question. Whatever your answer, a close look at this “dating experience” that impacts so many singles in so many ways may be useful to you as you think about what your long-term relationship goals are and what you REALLY want from a relationship.
So what exactly do these terms mean?
“Hooking up” is getting together for sex. There is generally no formal “date” involved.
“Friends with benefits” usually refers to two people who are “friends” who also have sex together. Again, there’s a distinction between what they share and “dating”.
“Booty call” usually describes the act of a man (woman) calling up another person to come over for sex. The sex doesn’t follow dinner, a movie or other “quality” time together, getting to really know each other. It’s physical.
Do you define this activity (even loosely) as dating? Has this become a new intimacy for some or many of you? If so, it’s important to look at how/if it meets your needs and if it aligns with your basic values and relationship wants and goals.
Begin by asking yourself some core questions, such as:
Am I comfortable with intimacy?
Am I comfortable with a purely physical relationship?
Am I able to be physically involved with someone while remaining emotionally detached?
How do I feel about myself when I engage in this behavior?
Am I doing this to please someone or win his or her affection?
Is monogamy and marriage my goal?
If your answers reflect discordance between how you feel and what you do; it would be helpful to understand the reasons behind your behavior. Do any of these sound familiar?
“It’s convenient”
“It’s easy”
“It’s safe”
“It requires no commitment on my part”
In addition to these explanations, some singles express a belief that “everyone does it” or “it’s expected”. Therefore, they often report engaging in it, but not feeling really ok or satisfied afterwards. Others use it as a substitute for real intimacy, referencing their difficulties in meeting and dating in general.
Then there are the people who have sex hoping it will lead to love. This too is a desire for intimacy that can lead to sadness and disappointment and the possibility of contacting a dangerous and life-altering infection. It reminds me of the line in a song, “if I can love you good enough on the outside to make you feel it on the inside, then maybe you will stay…”
If you recognize yourself in any of these statements and want to address your issue, begin with an inventory of your values and self-awareness.
Read the articles: “Defining Intimacy”, “Clarifying And Living Your Values”, and “How’s Your Self-Awareness”.
If you would find feedback that deals specifically with these issues helpful, take the “What’s Your Intimacy IQ” and “Are You Relationship Ready” quizzes.
Once you have determined what you really want from a relationship you can begin to make clear, thought out choices that will open the path that points in the direction you wish to go. Until you do so, you face the possibility of more disappointing and short-lived encounters that leave you feeling more alone and less hopeful about the possibility for lasting happy love.
Toni Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship coach and founder. As a recognized expert, Toni has been quoted in many local and national publications including: The Chicago Tribune, The Orlando Sentinel, New York Daily News, Indianapolis Star and Newsweek newspapers and Family Circle, Woman’s Day, Cosmo Style, Tango, Men’s Health, Star (regularly quoted body language expert), and Nirvana magazines. She has been featured on abcnews.com; discovery.health.com; aolnews.com; MSN.com, Match.com and planetearthradio.com. Toni offers dating help and relationship advice as the weekly love and dating coach on the KTRS Radio Morning Show (St. Louis, MO) and through her syndicated column, “Dear
Dating Coach.” Her newsletter, The Art Of Intimacy, helps over fifty-five hundred subscribers with its dating and relationship advice. Toni is a member of The International Coach Federation, The International Association Of Coaches and The National Association of Social Workers.
To get good books that will help you in both relationship and internet business go to www.resellrightstores.com
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Signs a Man Doesn't Want to Be Married to You Anymore. By Leslie Cane
I often get emails from wives who suspect that their husband no longer wants to be in the relationship. Often, people ask me for "signs that a husband doesn't want to be married or in the marriage anymore." And, I often will respond with a list of danger signs to watch for, but I also typically tell women that if their intuition is telling them that something is wrong or is off, then they should always listen. Because it's better to be proactive and to take action than to be sorry later. All marriages can benefit from some attention and improvements so it's better to just act "as if" rather than being blindsided later. Getting him committed to the marriage again is harder the longer you let your problems fester. And, the more that intimacy and affection erode, the harder it is to get them back in the end. So, in the following article, I'll share the list that I often give readers who suspect that their husband wants out, hoping that you'll take immediate action if you've seen any of these or if your intuition is telling you that something just isn't right.
Your Husband May Be Telling You (Or Is At Least Hinting) That He Doesn't Want To Be Married Anymore. Are You Listening?: I often get emails from wives whose husbands have just told them that they want out or who have just filed divorce papers and they are blindsided. They didn't see this coming at all. Often, when I ask if they noticed any warning signs or any distance from the husband, they'll respond with things like "well, he only said that he wasn't happy, but I didn't expect this," or "he has told me that sometimes he wonders if we're better off apart, but I didn't expect him to act on it."
The truth is, it's very painful to think that your husband is not happy with your or the marriage. It feels so much better to hope that if we ignore it, it will go away. I know this first hand because I made this same mistake. It's always better to act on these phrases though. It can't hurt to give your marriage and your husband more of your attention. In fact, it can only help you. But, it has to be the right kind of attention given out in the right way.
And, sometimes you have to read between the lines. Because often a man will throw out general phrases ( "I guess the excitement can't help but wane after you've been together for a while,") meant to spare your feelings in the hopes that you will get enough of the hidden message ("I no longer feel close to you and am no longer enjoying being married.") to act on it. Often, the messages have been either said or implied, but either he doesn't say it forcefully or clearly enough, or we're not exactly listening as a means of self preservation.
He's Distant Either Emotionally Or Physically: Often, one of the first signs that a husband is thinking about no longer remaining married is that he either consciously or unconsciously decides to "try out" being on his own. So, he'll spend more time away from your and with his friends or he'll no longer ask you to come along with him. He's wondering if it's going to feel better to be alone than with you. And, he's slowly trying this out. Sometimes, this happens literally. He'll make excuses not to be home as much and you'll just physically see less of him.
Or, sometimes, he'll begin this process emotionally. You'll notice that he isn't listening when you speak or he doesn't really jump up to help you or offer his attention or support the way that he once did. You'll get the vibe that it's now "every man (or woman) for himself" or maybe you'll start to feel like he's thinking in terms of "I" rather than in terms of "we." It's often a shift that you feel rather than see. Maybe you can't exactly put your finger on it but it troubles you. And it can start to feel like you're living more as room mates than as a bonded, intimate married couple.
You'll likely also begin to notice that the spontaneous, intimate gestures are no longer there (the grab for your hand, the rub of your shoulders, the bringing his hands across your cheek.) Admittedly, no one expects couples married for a long time to no longer be able to keep their hands off one another, but people who are still committed and on board do these things as least some of the time.
Sometimes, you'll also see a drop off in intimacy and sex. Often, the frequency lessens as does the intensity. You feel that he's just going through the motions and isn't really into it. Sometimes, the opposite happens. You'll notice he wants to try new things or he's trying very hard to see if you can get the spark to relight.
He May Start Living His Life (And Managing His Affairs) Separately From You: Another thing that you may start to see if your husband is doubting whether he wants to remain married is he begins to get his own email, snail mail, his own credit card, and / or his own bank account and he may encourage you to do the same. (Sometimes he will try to hide this at first.) Sometimes he'll try to make logical excuses for this and sometimes he won't. Often, a man will try to ease into living his life separately before he actually tells you that he's going to cut the cord.
Or, he may stop consulting with you on important decisions. He's trying to feel out living and being on his own so he's going to run decisions that are important to him by you much less because he isn't sure if you're going to be part of his future and he questions if he needs to do this any longer. He may encourage you to become more independent so that he doesn't have to feel guilty or wonder if you can make it on your own when he decides to separate from you.
Your Husband May Be Telling You (Or Is At Least Hinting) That He Doesn't Want To Be Married Anymore. Are You Listening?: I often get emails from wives whose husbands have just told them that they want out or who have just filed divorce papers and they are blindsided. They didn't see this coming at all. Often, when I ask if they noticed any warning signs or any distance from the husband, they'll respond with things like "well, he only said that he wasn't happy, but I didn't expect this," or "he has told me that sometimes he wonders if we're better off apart, but I didn't expect him to act on it."
The truth is, it's very painful to think that your husband is not happy with your or the marriage. It feels so much better to hope that if we ignore it, it will go away. I know this first hand because I made this same mistake. It's always better to act on these phrases though. It can't hurt to give your marriage and your husband more of your attention. In fact, it can only help you. But, it has to be the right kind of attention given out in the right way.
And, sometimes you have to read between the lines. Because often a man will throw out general phrases ( "I guess the excitement can't help but wane after you've been together for a while,") meant to spare your feelings in the hopes that you will get enough of the hidden message ("I no longer feel close to you and am no longer enjoying being married.") to act on it. Often, the messages have been either said or implied, but either he doesn't say it forcefully or clearly enough, or we're not exactly listening as a means of self preservation.
He's Distant Either Emotionally Or Physically: Often, one of the first signs that a husband is thinking about no longer remaining married is that he either consciously or unconsciously decides to "try out" being on his own. So, he'll spend more time away from your and with his friends or he'll no longer ask you to come along with him. He's wondering if it's going to feel better to be alone than with you. And, he's slowly trying this out. Sometimes, this happens literally. He'll make excuses not to be home as much and you'll just physically see less of him.
Or, sometimes, he'll begin this process emotionally. You'll notice that he isn't listening when you speak or he doesn't really jump up to help you or offer his attention or support the way that he once did. You'll get the vibe that it's now "every man (or woman) for himself" or maybe you'll start to feel like he's thinking in terms of "I" rather than in terms of "we." It's often a shift that you feel rather than see. Maybe you can't exactly put your finger on it but it troubles you. And it can start to feel like you're living more as room mates than as a bonded, intimate married couple.
You'll likely also begin to notice that the spontaneous, intimate gestures are no longer there (the grab for your hand, the rub of your shoulders, the bringing his hands across your cheek.) Admittedly, no one expects couples married for a long time to no longer be able to keep their hands off one another, but people who are still committed and on board do these things as least some of the time.
Sometimes, you'll also see a drop off in intimacy and sex. Often, the frequency lessens as does the intensity. You feel that he's just going through the motions and isn't really into it. Sometimes, the opposite happens. You'll notice he wants to try new things or he's trying very hard to see if you can get the spark to relight.
He May Start Living His Life (And Managing His Affairs) Separately From You: Another thing that you may start to see if your husband is doubting whether he wants to remain married is he begins to get his own email, snail mail, his own credit card, and / or his own bank account and he may encourage you to do the same. (Sometimes he will try to hide this at first.) Sometimes he'll try to make logical excuses for this and sometimes he won't. Often, a man will try to ease into living his life separately before he actually tells you that he's going to cut the cord.
Or, he may stop consulting with you on important decisions. He's trying to feel out living and being on his own so he's going to run decisions that are important to him by you much less because he isn't sure if you're going to be part of his future and he questions if he needs to do this any longer. He may encourage you to become more independent so that he doesn't have to feel guilty or wonder if you can make it on your own when he decides to separate from you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)