I often get emails from folks who suspect that their spouse no longer wants to be married. I'm often asked for a list of signals and signs to watch for. I will generally preface this by saying that everyone is different. Some people can be very unhappy and discontent in their marriage but can also have a strong level of commitment so that it's going to take a lot to make these people even think about walking away. But, then there are others who will walk (or at least think about it) as soon as the two of you hit a rough patch. It may not yet be clear which of these categories your spouse falls into.
Still, there are generally some signs that you will begin to see as they move away emotionally. The distance may come gradually, but it will generally come. And only time will tell if this distance contributes to their taking this further and leaving the marriage, but it certainly helps to watch for the signs so that you can fix the problems right away before they get any worse. So in the following article, I'll tell you some things to look for which might signal that your spouse is seeing the marriage in negative terms.
They Look At You (And React To You) Differently: It used to be that your spouse's eyes would light up when you walked into the room. The sight of you would always bring a smile to their face. They were always happy to see you and to be with you no matter what else was going on in their life.
But, you may be noticing that things today are in direct contrast to that. They don't even seem to really see you anymore. They may not even glance up anymore when you walk into the room. You may now see a straight line or a scowl instead of a smile. When you ask them about this, they may ask you what you expect after all this time or they may wonder how you can expect the two of you to act like teenagers when you are an old, married couple.
Maybe you could see their point if this was an isolated incident, but it's not. Their indifference to you has become the norm. It's not just a few instances scattered here and here on bad days. Not really seeing one another has become your normal. Yes, it's not unusual for things to calm down and to cool off once you've been married for a while, but couples who are still happy will generally be very aware of the other and will respond with spontaneous positive gestures in the presence of the other. A smile, the brush of a hand, or a palm resting on the back doesn't take any energy or thought at all. They are simply spontaneous reactions that occur when you are deeply connected with someone. If they are not happening, then you have to question the state of the connection.
They're Avoiding Intimate Contact And Conversation: Often when the connection begins to leave the marriage, you'll see either opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of behavior. Either this will come out negatively and you'll see the couple begin to fight, bicker, and "debate" much more. Or, you'll see them become very busy with other things so that they're just not around you as much. This is sort of passive aggressive avoidance.
In this phase, when you are together, you're not fighting. But, you're not being all that intimate either. This is the phase where you're perfectly pleasant, but you're not really talking to him or her as you would a lover. You avoid what's really important. You busy yourself with work or obligations. You talk about the weather, the kids, the stock market, the neighbors down the street. You talk about everything under the sun but your relationship.
It used to be that you could tie up the phone line for hours giggling and sharing and just letting the conversation flow. Now, there may be awkward lags in the conversation or times when you find that they, or you, aren't really listening all that intently anymore.
They Are Starting To Live More Independently: When people start to check out of the marriage or to distance themselves emotionally, you'll typically also see this manifest itself physically. They will begin to spend more time away from home. They'll suddenly want or need to spend more time with friends or other family members. They may take up a new hobby or take on more responsibilities or projects at work. They will want to create an individual identity rather than just a couple identity. They'll start to establish individual rather than couple friends.
They may take separate vacations or open their own bank or money accounts. They may be either very open or secretive about this, but the bottom line is that it stops becoming "we" and starts becoming "I" and "you." They may even encourage you to become more independent so that this process requires less guilt from them. They do this because they want you to begin to establish your own life and interests so when they break comes, it won't be as devastating to either of you.
Sometimes, these things aren't conscious on their part. They're not actually saying to themselves: "well, I know I want to get a divorce next year so I'll start breaking away now." It's more that they are acting on their often unconscious need to start breaking away, even if they've yet to even notice this or to admit the reasons for it, even to themselves.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
By Richard Jameson
How to fix a broken marriage can obviously be a very difficult subject so the first thing I am going to say is that you need to gather as much information as possible. Do not try to think up too many of your own plans as you don't want to experiment with your relationship.
The road to fixing a broken marriage is more than likely going to be a rocky and sometimes painful one to follow, but you must focus on how good it is going to feel as you patch things up and move forward.Keep that at the front of your mind at all times.
Here are some simple steps that you can do right now to begin the process of rebuilding your partnership:
* Make a list of all the things that you think went wrong with your marriage. Totally disregard the ones that were not your fault as you cannot change these. Do not hold anyone responsible for them either, simply let them go and shift your focus. Now look at what was your fault. Are you willing to work on the errors you made? If you are then you are ready to move forward.
* Be calm and patient at all times, especially as you begin to communicate with your spouse. Letting your emotions escalate can cause you to say or do something you may later forget. Plus for your wife or husband it is comforting and reassuring for them to see you calm and in total control.
* During this time don't forget to work on yourself. This could be revisiting the list to check that you are making changes to earlier mistakes. It could also be improving your health or appearance. Not only will this make you feel confident and more positive about yourself it could also rekindle a lot of good feelings within your spouse again!
Learning how to fix a broken marriage is delicate and needs to be taken very carefully.
Although this doesn't always mean that it has to take forever. There are a lot of people that have rekindled there love in a very short space of time. It is simply a question of using the right techniques that have been tried, tested and proven to work.
The road to fixing a broken marriage is more than likely going to be a rocky and sometimes painful one to follow, but you must focus on how good it is going to feel as you patch things up and move forward.Keep that at the front of your mind at all times.
Here are some simple steps that you can do right now to begin the process of rebuilding your partnership:
* Make a list of all the things that you think went wrong with your marriage. Totally disregard the ones that were not your fault as you cannot change these. Do not hold anyone responsible for them either, simply let them go and shift your focus. Now look at what was your fault. Are you willing to work on the errors you made? If you are then you are ready to move forward.
* Be calm and patient at all times, especially as you begin to communicate with your spouse. Letting your emotions escalate can cause you to say or do something you may later forget. Plus for your wife or husband it is comforting and reassuring for them to see you calm and in total control.
* During this time don't forget to work on yourself. This could be revisiting the list to check that you are making changes to earlier mistakes. It could also be improving your health or appearance. Not only will this make you feel confident and more positive about yourself it could also rekindle a lot of good feelings within your spouse again!
Learning how to fix a broken marriage is delicate and needs to be taken very carefully.
Although this doesn't always mean that it has to take forever. There are a lot of people that have rekindled there love in a very short space of time. It is simply a question of using the right techniques that have been tried, tested and proven to work.
10 Commandments Of A Loving, Lasting & Fulfilling Marriage By Sheryl Kurland
1. Respect yourself first.
Upon celebrating their 51st wedding anniversary, a couple was asked “What’s kept the flame burning in your relationship?” The husband quickly chimed in. “Look at my wife, she’s beautiful inside and out. Why would I want to be with anyone else?” The wife was average looking, a little overweight, face wrinkled by time, time-worn teeth, and so forth, but more importantly, she was neatly dressed, hair softly brushed, and she smelled delightful and wore a touch of pretty makeup. The point is she respected herself. Because she respected herself, her husband was still deeply attracted to her. Do you like yourself? Are you proud to be you? To keep the flame burning in your relationship, learn to respect yourself first.
2. Communication is defined as listening.
Imagine that you have mouthful of marshmallows. Now, what is the one thing you absolutely cannot do? Think for a moment. The answer: Talk! And that’s precisely the point. Communication is more about listening than talking. Additionally, never, ever, miss a good chance to shut up. Every comment doesn’t need a retort. Every issue doesn’t need another opinion. Speak up when it’s important, and keep your lips zipped when it isn’t. What you don’t say is often as important as what you do say.
3. Keep a sense of humor in good times and bad.
Laughter is a wonderful expression for the good times, but it can also be an antidote for facing problems, issues and crises. There will be petty incidents. So what if you mistakenly threw out the left-over green bean casserole that your spouse was going to eat for lunch? Is it a major offense that your spouse misread the friend’s party invitation and the two of you showed up on the wrong date? During periods of despair, a sense of humor can help you deal with misfortune. When a loved one passes away, health conditions take their toll, or bad news finds its way into your home, sharing some laughs with your mate will help ease your minds. Laughter relieves stress, improves blood flow, and enhances overall physiological function of the body. Create opportunities for humor and laughter to help keep your marriage in top condition.
4. In the heat of battle, cease fire.
If your child misbehaves, the course of discipline may be a “time out.” You remove the child from the situation and give him/her a specified amount of time to cool off. A “time out” works equally well for a husband and wife in the heat of an argument. When emotions are stirring and tempers are starting to flare, one of you needs to say “stop.” Take a “time out.” Set an alarm clock for 30 minutes. Go your separate ways. No talking. No evil stares. Think about the problem. Re-focus. Regain your composure. When the alarm rings, sit down together and have a civil discussion, get to the root of the matter, find a resolution and move on.
5. Create “traditions” solely for the two of you.
Within your family, you likely have traditions that everyone enjoys participating in. They enhance the family bond. But, do you have a “couple” tradition, something that only you and your spouse do together? A couple tradition is defined as a practice, habit or ritual performed every so often just by the two of you. Traditions add vitality, fun and excitement. When the going gets rough, they also provide glue for the union to remain sturdy while issues get resolved. Guaranteed, traditions in your marriage or relationship will help make it wonderful year after year.
6. Be selfless, not selfish.
Think of a favorite dessert that everyone in your family just loves, loves, loves. Let’s say it’s double-fudge brownies. What happens when there’s only one brownie left in the pan? If your household is like most others, everyone races to get the last piece before anyone else. Long-married couples have a different way of dealing with such a situation. They’ll say to their spouse: “Honey, there’s only one brownie left. Would you like to split it with me?” or "Would you like the last one?" This is referred to as being “selfless” instead of “selfish.” Selflessness goes a long way in creating a loving, lasting relationship with your spouse. And the great thing about being selfless is that when you function in this mode, it is automatically reciprocated.
7. Be lovable to your spouse.
Most of you have probably owned a dog for a pet. When the dog sees you from about 10 feet away, he starts wagging his tail, and as you walk closer his cute little rear starts wiggling and his ears pop up. By the time you’re right up to the dog, he’s dancing and bursting with excitement! Dogs teach us to be lovable. We should all take a lesson from them. Welcome your spouse with a big greeting upon arriving home after a hard day’s work. Give him/her a surprise peck on the cheek, touch each other, hold hands, exchange eye winks. In your conversations, besides catching up on all the goings-on, don’t forget to express your love for and appreciation of each other. However you choose to do it: Hug and squeeze, aim to please.
8. Wives: Don’t be over-sensitive to your husband’s comments.
By nature, most women are more sensitive than men. They over-analyze. Did he mean this or that, or something entirely different? A woman’s inclination is to zoom in on the explanation that’s most negative. Wives, here’s a rule of thumb your husband would like to tell you: “If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one.” Also, take into consideration that perception isn’t always reality. For example, a wife who became very irritated with her husband over a period of weeks because he had excessive business obligations and seemed quite preoccupied was pleasantly surprised by a birthday party he had diligently been planning for her! A word to the wives: Give your husband a break!
9. Husbands: Wives appreciate the little things.
Forget the flowers, designer bling-bling and fancy fragrances. Chivalry is alive and well! Hold the door open for your wife, call her during the day just to say “I’m thinking of you,” give her a hug when she least expects it, surprise her with a special evening out on the town that you planned by yourself. Do and say things that let your wife know you think she’s terrific. Husbands, the rule is quite easy: A wife loves to be told that she’s loved in many different, yet simple, ways.
10. Treat marriage as a journey. There are many different routes to a desired destination.
To draw an analogy: Imagine that you want to take a trip and fly from Miami, Florida to New York City. The first step is to select desired departure and return dates and the times of day you prefer to travel. Next, you go on the internet or call different airlines. If the flights you want are already full, you come up with Plan B, and if Plan B is booked, then you try for Plan C. Along the way, you may have to be flexible and change dates or times of day. Eventually you will find a travel plan that works. Marriage and relationships are similar. If plan A doesn’t work, try plan B, and if you hit roadblocks, then develop plan C, and so on. In a strong marriage or relationship, you keep practicing, learning and growing.
Bonus: Love the one your with.
Observations at the office, gym, social outings and elsewhere may lead you to believe that others are having all the fun. Don’t be fooled. How many times have you seen the couple who seemed to “have it all” wind up in divorce court? (Statistically, people who divorce have an even higher rate of divorce for subsequent marriages.) Instead of wallowing, devote your mental energy to keep the romance alive between you and your mate.
Upon celebrating their 51st wedding anniversary, a couple was asked “What’s kept the flame burning in your relationship?” The husband quickly chimed in. “Look at my wife, she’s beautiful inside and out. Why would I want to be with anyone else?” The wife was average looking, a little overweight, face wrinkled by time, time-worn teeth, and so forth, but more importantly, she was neatly dressed, hair softly brushed, and she smelled delightful and wore a touch of pretty makeup. The point is she respected herself. Because she respected herself, her husband was still deeply attracted to her. Do you like yourself? Are you proud to be you? To keep the flame burning in your relationship, learn to respect yourself first.
2. Communication is defined as listening.
Imagine that you have mouthful of marshmallows. Now, what is the one thing you absolutely cannot do? Think for a moment. The answer: Talk! And that’s precisely the point. Communication is more about listening than talking. Additionally, never, ever, miss a good chance to shut up. Every comment doesn’t need a retort. Every issue doesn’t need another opinion. Speak up when it’s important, and keep your lips zipped when it isn’t. What you don’t say is often as important as what you do say.
3. Keep a sense of humor in good times and bad.
Laughter is a wonderful expression for the good times, but it can also be an antidote for facing problems, issues and crises. There will be petty incidents. So what if you mistakenly threw out the left-over green bean casserole that your spouse was going to eat for lunch? Is it a major offense that your spouse misread the friend’s party invitation and the two of you showed up on the wrong date? During periods of despair, a sense of humor can help you deal with misfortune. When a loved one passes away, health conditions take their toll, or bad news finds its way into your home, sharing some laughs with your mate will help ease your minds. Laughter relieves stress, improves blood flow, and enhances overall physiological function of the body. Create opportunities for humor and laughter to help keep your marriage in top condition.
4. In the heat of battle, cease fire.
If your child misbehaves, the course of discipline may be a “time out.” You remove the child from the situation and give him/her a specified amount of time to cool off. A “time out” works equally well for a husband and wife in the heat of an argument. When emotions are stirring and tempers are starting to flare, one of you needs to say “stop.” Take a “time out.” Set an alarm clock for 30 minutes. Go your separate ways. No talking. No evil stares. Think about the problem. Re-focus. Regain your composure. When the alarm rings, sit down together and have a civil discussion, get to the root of the matter, find a resolution and move on.
5. Create “traditions” solely for the two of you.
Within your family, you likely have traditions that everyone enjoys participating in. They enhance the family bond. But, do you have a “couple” tradition, something that only you and your spouse do together? A couple tradition is defined as a practice, habit or ritual performed every so often just by the two of you. Traditions add vitality, fun and excitement. When the going gets rough, they also provide glue for the union to remain sturdy while issues get resolved. Guaranteed, traditions in your marriage or relationship will help make it wonderful year after year.
6. Be selfless, not selfish.
Think of a favorite dessert that everyone in your family just loves, loves, loves. Let’s say it’s double-fudge brownies. What happens when there’s only one brownie left in the pan? If your household is like most others, everyone races to get the last piece before anyone else. Long-married couples have a different way of dealing with such a situation. They’ll say to their spouse: “Honey, there’s only one brownie left. Would you like to split it with me?” or "Would you like the last one?" This is referred to as being “selfless” instead of “selfish.” Selflessness goes a long way in creating a loving, lasting relationship with your spouse. And the great thing about being selfless is that when you function in this mode, it is automatically reciprocated.
7. Be lovable to your spouse.
Most of you have probably owned a dog for a pet. When the dog sees you from about 10 feet away, he starts wagging his tail, and as you walk closer his cute little rear starts wiggling and his ears pop up. By the time you’re right up to the dog, he’s dancing and bursting with excitement! Dogs teach us to be lovable. We should all take a lesson from them. Welcome your spouse with a big greeting upon arriving home after a hard day’s work. Give him/her a surprise peck on the cheek, touch each other, hold hands, exchange eye winks. In your conversations, besides catching up on all the goings-on, don’t forget to express your love for and appreciation of each other. However you choose to do it: Hug and squeeze, aim to please.
8. Wives: Don’t be over-sensitive to your husband’s comments.
By nature, most women are more sensitive than men. They over-analyze. Did he mean this or that, or something entirely different? A woman’s inclination is to zoom in on the explanation that’s most negative. Wives, here’s a rule of thumb your husband would like to tell you: “If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one.” Also, take into consideration that perception isn’t always reality. For example, a wife who became very irritated with her husband over a period of weeks because he had excessive business obligations and seemed quite preoccupied was pleasantly surprised by a birthday party he had diligently been planning for her! A word to the wives: Give your husband a break!
9. Husbands: Wives appreciate the little things.
Forget the flowers, designer bling-bling and fancy fragrances. Chivalry is alive and well! Hold the door open for your wife, call her during the day just to say “I’m thinking of you,” give her a hug when she least expects it, surprise her with a special evening out on the town that you planned by yourself. Do and say things that let your wife know you think she’s terrific. Husbands, the rule is quite easy: A wife loves to be told that she’s loved in many different, yet simple, ways.
10. Treat marriage as a journey. There are many different routes to a desired destination.
To draw an analogy: Imagine that you want to take a trip and fly from Miami, Florida to New York City. The first step is to select desired departure and return dates and the times of day you prefer to travel. Next, you go on the internet or call different airlines. If the flights you want are already full, you come up with Plan B, and if Plan B is booked, then you try for Plan C. Along the way, you may have to be flexible and change dates or times of day. Eventually you will find a travel plan that works. Marriage and relationships are similar. If plan A doesn’t work, try plan B, and if you hit roadblocks, then develop plan C, and so on. In a strong marriage or relationship, you keep practicing, learning and growing.
Bonus: Love the one your with.
Observations at the office, gym, social outings and elsewhere may lead you to believe that others are having all the fun. Don’t be fooled. How many times have you seen the couple who seemed to “have it all” wind up in divorce court? (Statistically, people who divorce have an even higher rate of divorce for subsequent marriages.) Instead of wallowing, devote your mental energy to keep the romance alive between you and your mate.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Can Any Marriage Be Saved? Steps You Can Take to Save Your Marriage, Even If it Seems Hopeless by Sabrina Werles
Most marriages begin the same. The newlywed couple carefree and joyful. Unfortunately, at some point along the road, things start to change. Life happens to happen. Some couples just don't know how to deal with tough situations, and the marriage falls apart. Your marriage does NOT have to end in divorce! Any marriage can be saved, when you put good effort into saving it.
It's no wonder more marriages are struggling to survive nowadays, with the economic crisis and the fast paced lifestyles we live.
As human beings, our natural emotion is to get out of any situation that makes us uneasy. That's why so many marriages are falling apart! We simply don't want to TRY to save marriage anymore! For whatever reason - it takes too much time, it's too much work, etc. Millions of excuses for not holding on to something as important as life itself!
To save a marriage, both partners should sit down and calmly discuss what's going on with the marriage. This way, you have the opportunity to see it from each other's point of view, and maybe you will see things differently. Once you have found the source of the problem, now it's time to get to work and FIX the problem.
When you work together, you will have a much better chance of saving your marriage and stopping a divorce, than if only one person tries to fix the marriage themselves. When your marriage was good, you had fun together. When times get tough, you have to learn to get through these times together, too, so you can go on to have more fun times!
You will be able to save your marriage, especially when you work together. This following system comes highly recommended, has helped thousands of people just like you, and has been proven many times over. Don't let one rocky part destroy your marriage
It's no wonder more marriages are struggling to survive nowadays, with the economic crisis and the fast paced lifestyles we live.
As human beings, our natural emotion is to get out of any situation that makes us uneasy. That's why so many marriages are falling apart! We simply don't want to TRY to save marriage anymore! For whatever reason - it takes too much time, it's too much work, etc. Millions of excuses for not holding on to something as important as life itself!
To save a marriage, both partners should sit down and calmly discuss what's going on with the marriage. This way, you have the opportunity to see it from each other's point of view, and maybe you will see things differently. Once you have found the source of the problem, now it's time to get to work and FIX the problem.
When you work together, you will have a much better chance of saving your marriage and stopping a divorce, than if only one person tries to fix the marriage themselves. When your marriage was good, you had fun together. When times get tough, you have to learn to get through these times together, too, so you can go on to have more fun times!
You will be able to save your marriage, especially when you work together. This following system comes highly recommended, has helped thousands of people just like you, and has been proven many times over. Don't let one rocky part destroy your marriage
Stop My Divorce - Here is a Miracle Method People Desperately Search For byT. Sam Williams
Divorce is one of the most painful situations in life, and in fact it makes someone's life so miserable that many people who get divorced often fall victim of depression & frustration. Divorced people are reported to have been shown higher rate of emotional disturbance and go through several painful mental agony. Many Researches reveal that more than 60% of the divorced people die due to heart disease or high blood pressure. Divorce requires certain adjustment in life to cope up with it.
So it's always better to save your marriage and help yourself to stop your divorce. I have seen many people seek answer to question on "how I will stop my divorce". The relationship could be saved if you follow proper guidelines and think from your heart rather than from your mind.
Here you will discover few reasons behind divorce and what you need to do to prevent it.
The number one reason behind any divorce is lack of communication between both partners. Misunderstanding is another major factor that leads to divorce, so it's better to sit together and overcome the problem by discussing the same between both the partners
Other reason behind divorce is the changes in priorities. A couple gets together and marries with each other only because of love but slowly and slowly the love and passion started to disappear from their life as they started to get involve in some other jobs like office work, household work. Both partners take each other for granted and that is the time when relationship takes a "U" turn. You should always provide attention towards your partner no matter how well your relationship is. Whenever you feel free from other work, use that time to spend with your partner. Give them as much importance as you give to others.
Sometime Money is the reason behind relationship breakup. Don't let it put a wedge between you. Try to work your budget together. Your opposite partner may be good in finance handling so let him/her tackle the money part.
To sum up you have discovered few main reason behind the relationship breakup and I hope by now you have the answer to your question on "how to stop my divorce".
So it's always better to save your marriage and help yourself to stop your divorce. I have seen many people seek answer to question on "how I will stop my divorce". The relationship could be saved if you follow proper guidelines and think from your heart rather than from your mind.
Here you will discover few reasons behind divorce and what you need to do to prevent it.
The number one reason behind any divorce is lack of communication between both partners. Misunderstanding is another major factor that leads to divorce, so it's better to sit together and overcome the problem by discussing the same between both the partners
Other reason behind divorce is the changes in priorities. A couple gets together and marries with each other only because of love but slowly and slowly the love and passion started to disappear from their life as they started to get involve in some other jobs like office work, household work. Both partners take each other for granted and that is the time when relationship takes a "U" turn. You should always provide attention towards your partner no matter how well your relationship is. Whenever you feel free from other work, use that time to spend with your partner. Give them as much importance as you give to others.
Sometime Money is the reason behind relationship breakup. Don't let it put a wedge between you. Try to work your budget together. Your opposite partner may be good in finance handling so let him/her tackle the money part.
To sum up you have discovered few main reason behind the relationship breakup and I hope by now you have the answer to your question on "how to stop my divorce".
Stopping a Husband From Filing For Divorce - Can You? by Leslie Cane
I often get emails asking for my advice on how to stop a husband from either filing for or from going through with a divorce. I understand the urgency of these requests very well. I was in the situation myself a few years ago and I know that these wives think that if a divorce is begun or actually takes place, then the marriage is over for good. There's no more cards to deal or games to play. It's over for good and there's not going to be anything that you can do about it. So, the thinking goes, it's better to do everything in your power to reverse this right now, before the divorce actually happens.
This thinking is very familiar to me, but I also know from experience that it will make things that are ill advised seem completely logical at the time. This is a very dangerous place to be because you are very vulnerable to doing or saying things that you will later come to regret. This is make or break time, no doubt, but don't allow this to convince you that you need to participate in desperate behaviors that are only going to make things worse. I'll discuss this more in the following article.
Legal Maneuvering Is Often Not The Answer. Only Your Attorney Will Win: Many women will tell me things like: "well I'm just going to have my attorney contest the divorce," or "I'm just going to tell my attorney to stall;" or "I will refuse to accept the divorce papers." The thinking behind this is often that you can blame all of this on your attorney and you've bought yourself the time that you need.
But, the problem here is that this is only going to annoy your husband. He's going to see you as an adversary and he's only going to want to make this process end that much sooner. He's going to be annoyed with you and do everything in his power to avoid you. This isn't what you want.
And, your attorney can attempt to stall but this can only go on for so long (and it will be quite expensive even though you still reach the same end.) And as the end is building up, you're only getting further and further away from your husband, not closer. Avoiding being served will do you no good. I'm not an attorney but it is my understanding that your husband can ask for summary judgment most of the time.
Often trying to avoid, delay, or hide from this situation is not going to make it go away. It's best to just take a good hard luck it the reality of the situation, accept it as it is right now, and then calmly decide the best way for you to change it while making sure that you appear (and that he perceives you) in the most favorable way possible.
Understanding That If You Can Change The Perception, You Can Change The Reality: Often people go about stopping the divorce backward. They want to skip to the part where they change the reality of the situation and they don't really think it through or do anything to change the situation. They think that just because they want their husband to change his mind, that they must then force this upon him through whatever means necessary. In the end, he's only going to resent you for this. Even if he does consider "giving in," he will not have made this decision on his own, so this decision is less likely to be lasting.
Your best bet is to actually change his perception of you and of the marriage. You must allow him to see that you are not who he thought and that the marriage is not what he thought. In short, you must change his perception before you even begin to worry about the reality of the situation. But, how can you do this when he's made up his mind and has threatened to begin the divorce process? You make every single encounter and interaction count, but you don't let your desperation or your plan show. You remember who and what he wants. You must do everything in your power to paint yourself as a woman of dignity and respect who values his happiness enough to be calm and rational. You show him that the woman he first fell in love with is still right in front of him. You change his perception from one of annoyance and avoidance to one of curiosity and light heartedness.
Stepping Back to Move Closer: As you probably suspect, this takes some doing and some balancing. You can't come on too strong, but you must make yourself visible. You must show him that you want him to be happy, but you don't just want to throw in the towel and give up. There is a fine line between all of these things. At the end of the day, you must strike a balance and you must look to him for how to best do this. There will likely be some days where he is more receptive than others. On the days where he is not, you should go about doing the things that make you happy, make you appear strong, and make you appear attractive. Often, this silence and this distance will create a little curiosity on his part and so he will be the one who starts to move closer. Again, make sure that you are striking that balance. Don't rush or push. Watch for and respond to his cues and create the distance when you need to.
Wives are understandably reluctant to experience the distance that I'm talking about, but it's often this space that will allow him the perspective that he needs. And when he pauses for this perceptive, make sure that you've painted yourself in the best light. And, hopefully I've shown you that fighting him every step of the way here is not the way to do that.
This thinking is very familiar to me, but I also know from experience that it will make things that are ill advised seem completely logical at the time. This is a very dangerous place to be because you are very vulnerable to doing or saying things that you will later come to regret. This is make or break time, no doubt, but don't allow this to convince you that you need to participate in desperate behaviors that are only going to make things worse. I'll discuss this more in the following article.
Legal Maneuvering Is Often Not The Answer. Only Your Attorney Will Win: Many women will tell me things like: "well I'm just going to have my attorney contest the divorce," or "I'm just going to tell my attorney to stall;" or "I will refuse to accept the divorce papers." The thinking behind this is often that you can blame all of this on your attorney and you've bought yourself the time that you need.
But, the problem here is that this is only going to annoy your husband. He's going to see you as an adversary and he's only going to want to make this process end that much sooner. He's going to be annoyed with you and do everything in his power to avoid you. This isn't what you want.
And, your attorney can attempt to stall but this can only go on for so long (and it will be quite expensive even though you still reach the same end.) And as the end is building up, you're only getting further and further away from your husband, not closer. Avoiding being served will do you no good. I'm not an attorney but it is my understanding that your husband can ask for summary judgment most of the time.
Often trying to avoid, delay, or hide from this situation is not going to make it go away. It's best to just take a good hard luck it the reality of the situation, accept it as it is right now, and then calmly decide the best way for you to change it while making sure that you appear (and that he perceives you) in the most favorable way possible.
Understanding That If You Can Change The Perception, You Can Change The Reality: Often people go about stopping the divorce backward. They want to skip to the part where they change the reality of the situation and they don't really think it through or do anything to change the situation. They think that just because they want their husband to change his mind, that they must then force this upon him through whatever means necessary. In the end, he's only going to resent you for this. Even if he does consider "giving in," he will not have made this decision on his own, so this decision is less likely to be lasting.
Your best bet is to actually change his perception of you and of the marriage. You must allow him to see that you are not who he thought and that the marriage is not what he thought. In short, you must change his perception before you even begin to worry about the reality of the situation. But, how can you do this when he's made up his mind and has threatened to begin the divorce process? You make every single encounter and interaction count, but you don't let your desperation or your plan show. You remember who and what he wants. You must do everything in your power to paint yourself as a woman of dignity and respect who values his happiness enough to be calm and rational. You show him that the woman he first fell in love with is still right in front of him. You change his perception from one of annoyance and avoidance to one of curiosity and light heartedness.
Stepping Back to Move Closer: As you probably suspect, this takes some doing and some balancing. You can't come on too strong, but you must make yourself visible. You must show him that you want him to be happy, but you don't just want to throw in the towel and give up. There is a fine line between all of these things. At the end of the day, you must strike a balance and you must look to him for how to best do this. There will likely be some days where he is more receptive than others. On the days where he is not, you should go about doing the things that make you happy, make you appear strong, and make you appear attractive. Often, this silence and this distance will create a little curiosity on his part and so he will be the one who starts to move closer. Again, make sure that you are striking that balance. Don't rush or push. Watch for and respond to his cues and create the distance when you need to.
Wives are understandably reluctant to experience the distance that I'm talking about, but it's often this space that will allow him the perspective that he needs. And when he pauses for this perceptive, make sure that you've painted yourself in the best light. And, hopefully I've shown you that fighting him every step of the way here is not the way to do that.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Get Your Ex Back - Do it Now in 3 Easy Steps by H.L Archer
One thing that you should remember about getting your ex back is this. You still have ties to them. No one else has the intimate knowledge of your ex like you do. You know what they like and what they don't like. You know what turns them on and what turns them off.
You must stop and realize how powerful this knowledge is going to be in the quest to get them back. You know them inside and out. All the little secrets. This puts you at a great advantage.
On the other hand, your ex partner knows you and all of your good points and all of your bad points. This could put you at a disadvantage unless you use all of this intimate knowledge of each other in the right way. Here's what you should do:
1. Make contact. If the breakup has been awhile, start now. If the breakup has just happened, don't be too hasty, allow for a cooling off period. When the time is right, call them or arrange through a friend to just happen to run into them.
2. Be cheerful and act as nothing had happened between you. Make cheerful small talk and then let it stay that way for a few days.
3. Contact them again. Start with small talk again and then bring into the conversation about having been to a favorite restaurant of your ex partner. Tell them that you thought of them and wondered if they would like to go there. If they accept, you are half way home.
Here's where you put all of this inside knowledge of them to work. You know what you did when the two of you were first dating. Do the same things again. It worked then and it will work now.
Play to the things they like and steer clear of the things that they don't like. Be at your best. Remember you are dating again and you want only your best side to show. Do these things and you will come out a winner and get your ex back
You must stop and realize how powerful this knowledge is going to be in the quest to get them back. You know them inside and out. All the little secrets. This puts you at a great advantage.
On the other hand, your ex partner knows you and all of your good points and all of your bad points. This could put you at a disadvantage unless you use all of this intimate knowledge of each other in the right way. Here's what you should do:
1. Make contact. If the breakup has been awhile, start now. If the breakup has just happened, don't be too hasty, allow for a cooling off period. When the time is right, call them or arrange through a friend to just happen to run into them.
2. Be cheerful and act as nothing had happened between you. Make cheerful small talk and then let it stay that way for a few days.
3. Contact them again. Start with small talk again and then bring into the conversation about having been to a favorite restaurant of your ex partner. Tell them that you thought of them and wondered if they would like to go there. If they accept, you are half way home.
Here's where you put all of this inside knowledge of them to work. You know what you did when the two of you were first dating. Do the same things again. It worked then and it will work now.
Play to the things they like and steer clear of the things that they don't like. Be at your best. Remember you are dating again and you want only your best side to show. Do these things and you will come out a winner and get your ex back
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