1. Respect yourself first.
Upon celebrating their 51st wedding anniversary, a couple was asked “What’s kept the flame burning in your relationship?” The husband quickly chimed in. “Look at my wife, she’s beautiful inside and out. Why would I want to be with anyone else?” The wife was average looking, a little overweight, face wrinkled by time, time-worn teeth, and so forth, but more importantly, she was neatly dressed, hair softly brushed, and she smelled delightful and wore a touch of pretty makeup. The point is she respected herself. Because she respected herself, her husband was still deeply attracted to her. Do you like yourself? Are you proud to be you? To keep the flame burning in your relationship, learn to respect yourself first.
2. Communication is defined as listening.
Imagine that you have mouthful of marshmallows. Now, what is the one thing you absolutely cannot do? Think for a moment. The answer: Talk! And that’s precisely the point. Communication is more about listening than talking. Additionally, never, ever, miss a good chance to shut up. Every comment doesn’t need a retort. Every issue doesn’t need another opinion. Speak up when it’s important, and keep your lips zipped when it isn’t. What you don’t say is often as important as what you do say.
3. Keep a sense of humor in good times and bad.
Laughter is a wonderful expression for the good times, but it can also be an antidote for facing problems, issues and crises. There will be petty incidents. So what if you mistakenly threw out the left-over green bean casserole that your spouse was going to eat for lunch? Is it a major offense that your spouse misread the friend’s party invitation and the two of you showed up on the wrong date? During periods of despair, a sense of humor can help you deal with misfortune. When a loved one passes away, health conditions take their toll, or bad news finds its way into your home, sharing some laughs with your mate will help ease your minds. Laughter relieves stress, improves blood flow, and enhances overall physiological function of the body. Create opportunities for humor and laughter to help keep your marriage in top condition.
4. In the heat of battle, cease fire.
If your child misbehaves, the course of discipline may be a “time out.” You remove the child from the situation and give him/her a specified amount of time to cool off. A “time out” works equally well for a husband and wife in the heat of an argument. When emotions are stirring and tempers are starting to flare, one of you needs to say “stop.” Take a “time out.” Set an alarm clock for 30 minutes. Go your separate ways. No talking. No evil stares. Think about the problem. Re-focus. Regain your composure. When the alarm rings, sit down together and have a civil discussion, get to the root of the matter, find a resolution and move on.
5. Create “traditions” solely for the two of you.
Within your family, you likely have traditions that everyone enjoys participating in. They enhance the family bond. But, do you have a “couple” tradition, something that only you and your spouse do together? A couple tradition is defined as a practice, habit or ritual performed every so often just by the two of you. Traditions add vitality, fun and excitement. When the going gets rough, they also provide glue for the union to remain sturdy while issues get resolved. Guaranteed, traditions in your marriage or relationship will help make it wonderful year after year.
6. Be selfless, not selfish.
Think of a favorite dessert that everyone in your family just loves, loves, loves. Let’s say it’s double-fudge brownies. What happens when there’s only one brownie left in the pan? If your household is like most others, everyone races to get the last piece before anyone else. Long-married couples have a different way of dealing with such a situation. They’ll say to their spouse: “Honey, there’s only one brownie left. Would you like to split it with me?” or "Would you like the last one?" This is referred to as being “selfless” instead of “selfish.” Selflessness goes a long way in creating a loving, lasting relationship with your spouse. And the great thing about being selfless is that when you function in this mode, it is automatically reciprocated.
7. Be lovable to your spouse.
Most of you have probably owned a dog for a pet. When the dog sees you from about 10 feet away, he starts wagging his tail, and as you walk closer his cute little rear starts wiggling and his ears pop up. By the time you’re right up to the dog, he’s dancing and bursting with excitement! Dogs teach us to be lovable. We should all take a lesson from them. Welcome your spouse with a big greeting upon arriving home after a hard day’s work. Give him/her a surprise peck on the cheek, touch each other, hold hands, exchange eye winks. In your conversations, besides catching up on all the goings-on, don’t forget to express your love for and appreciation of each other. However you choose to do it: Hug and squeeze, aim to please.
8. Wives: Don’t be over-sensitive to your husband’s comments.
By nature, most women are more sensitive than men. They over-analyze. Did he mean this or that, or something entirely different? A woman’s inclination is to zoom in on the explanation that’s most negative. Wives, here’s a rule of thumb your husband would like to tell you: “If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one.” Also, take into consideration that perception isn’t always reality. For example, a wife who became very irritated with her husband over a period of weeks because he had excessive business obligations and seemed quite preoccupied was pleasantly surprised by a birthday party he had diligently been planning for her! A word to the wives: Give your husband a break!
9. Husbands: Wives appreciate the little things.
Forget the flowers, designer bling-bling and fancy fragrances. Chivalry is alive and well! Hold the door open for your wife, call her during the day just to say “I’m thinking of you,” give her a hug when she least expects it, surprise her with a special evening out on the town that you planned by yourself. Do and say things that let your wife know you think she’s terrific. Husbands, the rule is quite easy: A wife loves to be told that she’s loved in many different, yet simple, ways.
10. Treat marriage as a journey. There are many different routes to a desired destination.
To draw an analogy: Imagine that you want to take a trip and fly from Miami, Florida to New York City. The first step is to select desired departure and return dates and the times of day you prefer to travel. Next, you go on the internet or call different airlines. If the flights you want are already full, you come up with Plan B, and if Plan B is booked, then you try for Plan C. Along the way, you may have to be flexible and change dates or times of day. Eventually you will find a travel plan that works. Marriage and relationships are similar. If plan A doesn’t work, try plan B, and if you hit roadblocks, then develop plan C, and so on. In a strong marriage or relationship, you keep practicing, learning and growing.
Bonus: Love the one your with.
Observations at the office, gym, social outings and elsewhere may lead you to believe that others are having all the fun. Don’t be fooled. How many times have you seen the couple who seemed to “have it all” wind up in divorce court? (Statistically, people who divorce have an even higher rate of divorce for subsequent marriages.) Instead of wallowing, devote your mental energy to keep the romance alive between you and your mate.
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